Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Got Any Answers?

So, I guess there are sometimes in life you should know better than to do certain things. Nothing sinister, but the mood I'm in I probably shouldn't be blogging ... or perhaps it's the only way to release the emotion. I guess it depends on who you are ... I'm already more calmed down than when I first arrived this morning so I'll let you know if it get's any better after this.

So, last night was not part of the problem. I had a fun evening at home with my blender ... and no, that is not a euphemism for any other sort of electrical gadget, it really is a blender. I experimented with my minimal culinary skills and attempted a soup sans recipe. All the recipes I've found involve far too much extra effort ... I want something I can just blend up and heat ;) Quick and easy, that's what I want in a soup.

It turned out okay and was still a fair amount of effort. And then I made myself a fruit smoothie for today. That worked out slightly better ... I write as I sit here sipping it :)

And then there was the night, the sleeping bit. Well there wasn't nearly enough of what I consider to be the crucial part of the entire process. TheBrad is off and I'm back on standby. Got the expected heart-beat call at about 3:30am and then before I'd managed to fall back asleep at around 4:30am I got another call.

It was a bizarre error, one we'd never had before so I was anxious. Hastily logged onto the system. Checked all the log files and the databases, twice. Nothing. Called the call-centre back to get the actual error message read back to me again now that I was marginally more aware. After a long and laborious conversation, I managed to explain that I had no idea what system his error was for, it certainly wasn't mine. "Oh, Thanks" he says. Nice. Now let's try to get some sleep. I have a big breakfast in the morning.

Well, I was supposed to. The big boss arranged the breakfast with a group of us last week. We were all dying to know what it was about. I still have no idea.

I got up early and managed to leave my house at a sprightly 7:10am. early enough to get in by 8, surely ... since I normally leave as late as 7:40 ... which get's me in sometimes around 8:20 or so. Well, Joburg traffic, in abso-bloody-typical style, decided to step in and shake things up. Yesterday I could understand, there was an accident ... today I passed no such obstruction. Is it just me or does the number of Jhb drivers increase every week? I managed to park at around 8:30. And the mood I was in by that stage just didn't warrant the effort of joining them all for the last half hour. Blegh. I've supremely lost interest. In life, the universe and everything.

I was wondering, last night in the very early hours, how one can tell if one is depressed? I don't know, that was in the dark, the time my head finds it easiest to attack me and really rub my nose in it. So life is not turning out quite how I'd had it all planned back when I was 12, 18, 21 ... hell, I'd go so far to add 25 to that list too.

So things are not what I planned, they're not even within running distance :P Will I settle down, get married have any mini-me's ? Do I care any more? I have a house in my head that I want to build. Will it ever get done? In fact there are so many things in my head I just don't know how to make happen right now. I don't have a clue what the right thing to do is. Move jobs? Move countries? Curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor?

I think I have nocturnal-depression, is there such a thing? Perhaps it is better known as stand-by ;)

A little distance reiki wouldn't go amiss here, mom.

ps. I feel marginally more able to cope with my day ahead.


Anonymous said...

Hey honey, smile! Sometimes our life doesn't go completely according to plan but it is those times that we go off the beaten track that we discover the most amazing things. :)

Phlippy said...

very easy to tell if depressed. The one tell tale sign is fatigue. No matter how much you sleep, you still feel tired at the oddest times.

What is the root of the feeling though?

Anonymous said...

Well, get a bike (or scooter). Apart from the obvious traffic solution, it is a hellofalottafun!

phillygirl said...

@phlippy - Unfortunately fatigue is just as much a side effect of stand-by as depression ... so it's a little hard to tell. Anyway, I'm sure I'm just being melodramatic (hmmm, now there's a surprise!).

@anon - I think my folks would lose their sense of humour if their eldest daughter started riding a scooter around Jhb. But that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind - it's the rain that bothers me ... and the dark. It's useless to me in those 2 scenarios.

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