Friday, June 15, 2007

Official Date

Okay, so this might be a little tricky to type, so I apologise in advance for any missing c's. My cellphone fell onto my laptop in my bleary-eyed standby state last night (early this morning) and the C-key is now no longer actually part of my keyboard ... I sure hope they have people who can fix these things cause it is very annoying, at the moment it's sort of floating where it's supposed to be.

Anyway, last night ... last night Varen and I had an official date night. He took me to dinner at Melograno. Quite a nice place, the interior didn't feel that different to Allora. The food was nice but not earth-shatteringly good. He had Steak & Lobster and I had a very nice stuffed & rolled chicken breast. And after we went to Mozarts in Cresta for some of their delish ice-cream (sorbet for me).

Things are certainly interesting with us. By interesting, I mean good. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and this is all so bizarre for me since it's only about 2 weeks since I was telling all my friends I never wanted to speak to him again after the way he handled our disentanglement.

But now, things are different. He actually asked me to be his girlfriend last night. And I wanted to say yes. Luckily tho, the other bit of my brain kicked in and reminded me that we'd only been speaking again for a mere week. It feels like longer. It's incredible how different things actually are.

I already like him more than I ever let myself last time. And I've come to realise a lot of what was holding us (me) back then. I was angry at him for not being Bean. Okay, so I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth. I was angry with Bean for not being the person I wanted or needed anymore but, he wasn't around. Varen was, and he wasn't Bean. Yes, I understand the unfairness of all that ... but it's different now. It's like we're two different people starting a brand new different relationship. And I realise how mad it is to say that after only a week, but that's how it is when a normal relationship starts ... it's all very swirly and like a whirlwind in the beginning. We have some history, but I think things could be different this time. I'm almost letting myself feel positive.

That's not to say I'm ready to dive in head-first ... but I'm certainly closer than I ever was last time. I'm still scared. I'm scared of taking the chance, of spending another few years in a relationship that doesn't end up working out for the big forever. But I guess, that's the chance you take when you live your life. And this way there's still a chance it might work ... whereas if I don't even attempt something, there's no doubt I'll still find myself alone. If you don't buy a ticket, you can never win ;)

So that's where things are. Things are good. I'm feeling emotionally lighter than I have in a while. I still have pangs of "Uh-oh!" and minor freak-outs about what's going on, but things are moving slowly enough and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again soon :)

Oh, and I'm not worried about the future too much right now ... I have realised that I obviously won't feel for Varen now (upfront) what I felt for Bean in the end. That was a process too. Unfortunately I can't remember how those feelings started out, but for now I'm good :)

So that is the news ... pretty exciting stuff, no?


The Divine Miss M said...

Does everyone else also think that the lovely Philly analyzes things too much and that she should just go ahead and give it a shot with Varen? :P

meira said...

"I was angry at him for not being Bean. Okay, so I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth."

Hey Phillygirl! It doesn't sound crazy to me. It's kind of how I felt with my second boyfriend (my first boyfriend and I went out for almost 3 years). I would get very cross with him for not being the person I wished he was (that is, more like my ex), instead of just letting him be who he was, accepting him as he was.

But then I realised the reason I was cross was really with myself. It wasn't fair of me to want #2 to have all the good points of #1, plus all of #2's own good points.

And like you said, it's not reasonable to expect the way you felt at the end of a long relationship with someone to be the same feelings with someone new. But that's the nature of feelings - they're just so unreasonable! ;)

phillygirl said...

Thanks for the thoughts ladies :) I know Varen will be thrilled with the response!

phillygirl said...

@meira - and it's great to know it's not just me who has these unnatural expectations ... turns out they may be quite natural, it's just how you choose to deal with them, right?


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