Friday, February 06, 2009

Could I Plan It?

Skipped gym yesterday (damn!). And then I went to book club a little later. A lovely evening, but lots more news than usual. We have a postponed wedding and a new arrival due later this year :)

I am thrilled for the mom-to-be, Lime. But it makes me feel oddly weird. I realised I'm jealous of those people who get to plan a pregnancy. Who get to do it all on purpose. I hope to get there one day, but I'm just not sure it'll happen like that for me. I don't know that I will ever deem myself or my relationships ready ... will I ever choose to inflict this world on a child? Plus I'm jealous of those people who get to be married for 5 years and then decide that now is the time to add a baby. That'll never be me either ... I'm getting too old. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just stop trying to plan anything and just let life happen. I know I want kids. Is it worth all the waiting to find the right person and be in the right place as we've been taught? I know there are quite a few people who get that right, but I think there are even more who don't go the "conventional route". Mostly it just makes me realise that I have no idea what I want. I'd love to go the conventional route, get married, have babies, live happily ever after ... all before I'm 30 (with barely over a year to go, there's NO chance that'll happen!). Hell, I wonder if there's time enough to get that right before I'm 35. Time is a scary thing.

Technically my body is going to be 29 in April. My mind still seems to be stuck at 25. Not that I'm not responsible or all those things that come with age, I definitely am. It's just that other bits of my life still make me feel like I should only be about 25 ... instead of pushing 30. Surely I should've acheived more family-or-relationship-wise? But all that said, I'm mostly blissfully happy relationship-wise (yes, we have our annoying moments like everyone else!). But I think I might be a bit of a committment-phobe ... forever sounds like a really long time. Hell, even having kids (and the fact that they're there every single day for a good 18 - 21 years, if not more), seems like more committment than I think I could handle. But then I think about how much I love my bunnies and would do absolutely anything for them (don't worry, I have no delusions that they aren't attempts to mother). And I realise I'd be the same and more for my kid. What about the things I'd miss tho? Would I give those up willingly, as one does when you plan something this big? My freedom to travel (I still plan on doing that, assuming there's enough cash), hell, just doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.

Plus, I worry that if you have a child in the conventional way (with your husband / boyfriend) you create expectations for them, that they may or may not live up to. You are essentially setting yourself up for some sort of disappointment. What if they are not the parent you wanted them to be? I worry that if I went into this knowing I'd be solely responsible, it'd be easier than expecting someone to share responsibility, only to discover that they don't.

Okay jees, that was a bit of a ramble. I know, I know, I'm over thinking. But, that's what I do. That's probably the most likely reason I'd never be able to plan a baby for myself. The over-thinking. Sigh. It's Friday ... time to be upbeat and congratulate Lime :)


Nielfa Hanifa said...

You've hit 2 nails on the head for me there.

I turned 27 in December and for some reason I too feel like I'm still 22, but life keeps on reminding me that's not so... then the realisation hits, that the big 30 looms.

Then there's the baby bit. I think I've reached a point in my life where my maternal instincts are kicking in at autopilot and I'm left feeling so broody. However, the thought of actually having a kid freaks the bejeezus out of me in so many ways, all at the same time.

I guess this over-thinking comes with age :P

boldly benny said...

Doll I have these dilemmas ALL the time.
As I mentioned in one of my posts this week, sometimes I love MM so much I think: I want a ring and a ceremony! Other times I think: holy crap, please can we never speak about marriage! IT'S FOREVER!

Sometimes I think I would have to fall pregnant by accident because if I gave it enough thought, I'd probably chicken out.

I guess there's no right way!

Tamara said...

I enjoyed reading your "ramble". It's good to know that other people think too much about things and worry.

I'm only 24, but because I've been married for over two years, people keep asking when we're going to have kids. And I'm terrified that I will never develop the desire to have children.

I think about being a mother in an abstract sort of way... like a dream of someone else's life. But when I think about actually giving birth, raising a child and committing to being a mom for the rest of my life... The thought makes me queasy.

Maye I'll get over it one day (people keep assuring me I will), but in over-thinker fashion, I worry now that I won't. And that there's something wrong with me if I have no motherly instinct.

Wow... now that was a ramble.

Louisa said...

You should see this question from the other side of 30 with no steady relationship.

I think you'd be a great mother by the way. I'm sure when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

Unknown said...

LOL, loved this ramble. I always said I would have kids by the time I was 30... that didn't happen... and I'm a better person for it... hell, they're better off too!

phillygirl said...

@all - jees, I'm glad I'm not alone on this :) Thanks for the wonderful comments from you all.

@nielfa - wow, that is so exactly like what goes on in my head!

@benny - haha, my thoughts exactly! My mom has always said you can never really plan a baby, there's always something that'd get in the way. I guess sometimes you just have to close your eyes and dive off the deep end. It's a wonder the world is as populated as it is actually ;) Although clearly all that means is not everyone is thinking as hard about this as we are!

@tamara - haha, you really do have ages to go till you have to worry about kids and if you want them or not. I think the biological clock can be a scary thing, truly.

@louisa - yep, you are right. Here's hoping life does come together in the end!

@jenty - that's such a wonderful thing to hear ... gives me hope that being a little older will benefit my kids too :)

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