Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Swirling Thoughts

So, not that I want to harp on and on about the situation with Varen. I mean I really am over it and mostly absolutely okay with it but, like a normal person, it still has really only been a week and a half since I moved into my own home and out of the place I shared with him for 2 years, so there are still things swirling in my mind.

And at the same time as that, I'm going thru the very normal aspect of processing an ex's new relationship. And, as I'm sure is the same for all of you too, it doesn't matter how moved-on you think you are, it still somehow affects you. Even when I'd been dating Varen for about a year and found out about Bean's new partner, there were pangs of some residual something or other. So to be dealing with it so hot-on-the-heals of the break-up does compound all these swirling thoughts, rather.

The things I'm thinking:

1. Yesterday's private blog post is not going to be published.

2. I get angry with myself for feeling hurt and thinking about things with Varen. I mean when I was lying awake at 3am this morning because not only was there thunder, lightning and rain, but my washing machine was up and running, as much as I was trying to stop myself, I was re-hashing our relationship from October till January and hating myself for not spotting the signs and just being a stupid believer of every word he said. And now I'll always have doubt bout what was really going on because a) I'll never ask what really happened (partly because I just really don't want the truth, how would it change anything?) and b) cause I doubt he'd be honest either (you know when people try to hide stuff to "protect" you because they're directly doing something they know will hurt you - hello, surely just don't freaking do the hurtful thing? But I guess when it comes to emotions and relationships, sometimes you can't help yourself). And I know some of it is my fault, being wrapped up in our relationship-issues in my own mind trying to figure out if I should leave or what, instead of wondering what he was really up to and if he was being honest with me. And boys wonder why some of us have trust issues?!

3. I started to remember the things I liked about Varen ... which I guess is a good sign. But as soon as that happens, my brain clouds over with more of item 2 (above). I think I mostly miss his presence (which I was missing in the last year of our relationship too :P). And I miss that feeling of simply knowing you were loved, no matter what. Which, by the end of the relationship, I hadn't felt in quite some time, but I had felt, without doubt, in the beginning of our relationship, for the first time in my life from someone who wasn't family. I miss that.

On the other hand, I'm still very positive about life in general (I just occasionally have these sad reflective moments, usually when I'm alone in bed at night, who can blame kids for hating the dark? Life really is scarier then when your brain turns on you and starts to attack!). My fridge and washing machine arrived yesterday and I successfully installed my washing machine myself too (as anyone who was following twitter will know ;)). I think it was a big achievement, okay?

And I got to go out shopping to stock my new fridge. Which all sounds fun and awesome, except for the minor fact that I still have no cutlery to eat all this newly-purchased food with :P

I spent most of the evening chatting with CollegeInstructor who popped by. It's kinda cool having him so nearby actually :)

In other news, I mailed Varen last night to find out if he'd be interested in selling me the dining room table and chairs from his place (which are my favourite not-owned-by-me-item in the whole house!) and it turns out he might be ... since he's moving to America in July/August :P On one hand I'm happy a) that soon there'll be no chance of bumping into him & the new girlf in and around Joburg and b) because I think it'll be an amazing experience for him, even if it is with *her* :P And on the other hand, I'm supremely annoyed because he never did anything this cool while I was dating him. I have this awful feeling (although no proof, really) that I seem to date boys while they're setting themselves up for something greater and so I put up with all the struggling-to-get-there but get none of the benefit of actually getting there. Sigh. Oh well.


Anonymous said...

Seriously lady...have a housewarming!!

I would love nothing better than to give you a set of cutlery :-)

Anonymous said...

Seriously lady....have a housewarming party!!

I would love nothing more than to give you a set of cutlery :-)

boldly benny said...

Aaaah arkwife is so lovely :)

Right now in comment to your post. First of all, I don't think you should worry about "harping on". My friend you are going through a break up and if you need to talk/write then do it. Do whatever you can to stop him gaining mind space.

To me the most frustrating thing about a break up is how they tend to occupy our minds. I used to get so frustrated with my last break up because although I knew I didn't want to be with him he was there - in my head taking up space. It was like he was living rent free.

From my experience the tough part about a break up is not always the person but the parts of yourself that this person brings out. It's tough learning to embrace or deal with these parts of ourselves because we might not like them. For example, my ex through a number of things he did and said made me feel very needy. When I looked back at myself I thought "YUCK, I'm not like that am I?" I then realised that it is part of me and if in the wrong relationship (romantic or friendship) I can become needy HOWEVER, if I surround myself with the right people I realise my own worth. It was a long path of embracing all parts of me and discovering my worth. In my new relationship, MM reassures and loves me in such a way that needy Benny has never emerged - probably why I didn't think I actually was needy.

Also – and I know this isn't easy – but of course you'll remember the good parts of your relationship. You wouldn't have stayed with him if there weren't good parts but try to counter these with the not-so-great parts - it helped me.

AND in closing, I've said it once and I'll say it again: He's an ass!


Tamara said...

Totally with Arkwife!

And I think after two and a half years, nobody's going to judge you for taking more than a week to think through all the changes!

tanyadeville said...

Shoo... Firstly, congrats on the washing machine :) so exciting doing all this new stuff!!
Good luck with the dark nights... It is the very worst time... (Hugz)
America?? Seriously? What a numbnut!

AngelConradie said...

Girl, you are so allowed to do all the thinking you need to do!

Caz said...

This is so commonly tragicly true of so many people:
"you know when people try to hide stuff to "protect" you because they're directly doing something they know will hurt you - hello, surely just don't freaking do the hurtful thing?" (mostly people who need a headklap)

What you said about being with guys who are sorting themselves out... you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!

I hope that the next man to enter your life has to work hard to win your heart. That he appreciates you and savours you and realises how privileged he is to be in your life and that he's The One

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