Friday, March 26, 2010

The Fear

Sigh, life is weird lately and it's only really dawning on me now ...

Went for dinner at Panarottis for their all-you-can-eat Pizza special yesterday, with Beukes, CollegeInstructor and DJMike. This is not something I'll be doing again in a hurry, although the boys seem to have it pegged as a weekly event. My problem is I could only eat like 5 - 6 slices (which is still pretty worth it for R45 ... but measly compared with the boy's 12!) but then felt completely ill. Plus they only start bringing out the more interesting pizza's later in the evening once I'm already done. Ah well, all in the name of trying out new things, right :)

But onto the emotional stuffs. As happy as I am in my life right now, I'm terrified. Things are mostly going very well and life is good, hence the "happy". And when I'm not terrified, I do have a general sense of peace about things. But I feel like my fear is under the surface and peeking out in horrible ways. My already low tolerance for people has hit rock bottom ... and I don't know how to fix that.

I'm terrified of life in general, of money after buying this house (although the house will be fine it's my annual holidays I'm starting to worry about still being able to fund). Of my living situation (it's complicated and drives me nuts, but I don't think I can move right now). Of buying all these household items and not knowing where I might end up living or being able to afford to live ... what if that place doesn't have the space for all the furniture I'm buying (and that I want) now. I guess they all come back to money. And the truth is I have been spending a lot of it lately ... and plan on spending more. I know it's not all going to nothing, I will have assets (the house and sort-of the furniture) and I will hopefully have a very nice holiday to show for it all (this year at least) ... but I like to have a giant buffer of cash sitting in my account for rainy days. And although I'll still have some, it's hard to watch a rather large accumulation dwindle so rapidly. I just keep trying to remind myself it's not like I've done nothing with it or blown it on who knows what and what I've done is mostly worthwhile and are "good" spends. It doesn't stop the fear tho.


Tamara said...

I think it's normal to worry abuot money. I certainly do.

Buying a house is a big deal. But I think you're luckier than most people in having spare cash in your account. Most South Africans don't save money, even if they can afford to do so.

I know someone your exact age who lives with her boyfriend, doesn't own property or furniture of her own, doesn't save any money, doesn't have any sort of provident fund or pension plan and chronically overspends on her credit card, leaving her in constant debt. And that's a really common situation.

I think the fact that you have the sense to consider your purchases and how they will affect your budget just proves that you'll be ok when it comes to finances. And as you say, it's not like you went and blew everything you have on something you don't need - everything yuo're spending is for a good reason.

AngelConradie said...

I think its normal to worry about such things, but if you can keep reminding yourself that your purchases are legitimate then you'll be okay. You're not impulse buying or handing out money and not having anything to show for it.

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