Thursday, December 14, 2006

The End.

I'm a mess this morning. I'm shattered, deeply sad, teary-eyed, numb, hollow, wounded. And it's my fault.

Bean & I broke up last night. If you've been around us in the last few months, you'll know that this has been going back and forth for a while now (oh, and we'd been dating for about 2 & half years). And I couldn't do it any more. I love him, I truly do. And I do know he loved me deeply. Somehow I just still couldn't make it work. There was something missing.

And that is terrible. We were supposed to work. We, on paper, were perfect. We liked doing all the same things, we lived together easily (well, for the 2 years before I moved out in September) and we didn't fight much. We were really good friends. And unfortunately although that is a serious requirement for a relationship, it's not enough. He was my family and my everything for so long, and the entire time I've been up in Jhb. And now he's gone, irrecoverably - we broke up for a month in Sept so, this time there's no going back this time.
I am single again, how peculiar. I really never thought I would be. And when I realised that, well, it's scary.

And I really wanted things to work, I've been trying hard. Finding all sorts of excuses for why I was feeling like this ... but nothing he or I could do or fix or change could take it away. And it's sad.
We were in a strange grey area where I felt like I was treading water, waiting for things to work the way they used to and going thru the motions in the hopes that would get me there.

Tears are spilling on my keyboard.

And I'm still not sure I've done the right thing. I have to hold onto the fact that this has been swirling in my head for a while now and being around him hasn't changed that. The weekend away was supposed to move things forward, but it didn't. I couldn't figure out where forward was for us anymore. And even tho in my head there is still this ideal imaginary version of us that I wish for and so wanted to believe in, that isn't really us.

I wrote a letter to someone who I know will never read it here and I'll never send the letter to her either, it was more for me than her anyway - because I know the truth and that is what matters, I hope. It's hard to be judged and let it go, believing in your own truth. But here it is:

You don't know or understand the situation. Please don't presume you would've handled things differently in my shoes. As they say, hindsight is 20/20 and thinking you know the best thing to do is far simpler when you are on the outside looking in and not personally involved in those decisions.

I never cheated on him.

And thru it all, I can count on one finger the number of friends who listened to the harrowing experience I was going thru, didn't judge me and were looking out for my best interests.

Thanks JC for being that friend :) And for listening to me cry last night. While our lives are polar opposites right now (he's just fallen madly in love - yay!), I know you will still find time for me and be the voice of reason I need, until I can be that for myself again.

So, what else is there really to say. I had to hurt & wound the person I loved last night and it was hard and horrible! And he hates me and never wants to see me or speak to me again. I understand, but it still hurts like hell.

And I will miss him, so many things about him. I'll miss sending him articles he never has time to read. I'll miss his perfect bum - honestly it is ;) I'll miss curling into his arm when I sleep. I'll miss how on a game drive he always knew what bird or buck that was. I'll miss his mexican mince. I'll miss just being around him. I'll miss his smell. I'll miss the way his lips move as he reads :) But that's not enough to stay, and for that I'm truly deeply sorry.

He was my longest relationship so far and at 26 I know society says I should be settling down and getting married and starting my family. And honestly that is what I was doing, what I wanted. But now it's not. If I live to be 80, like most of my grandparents, that's the next 54 years with someone. How the hell can I be deciding that ? I've only been alive for half that time, and I don't even remember the first few years! I've only dated someone for 2 & half years, that is a mere percentage of a lifetime. It's like deciding your career the moment you finish matric - how the hell should you know for sure? Apparently you never know for sure, but I'm not ready to take that chance yet. And I can't stay with Bean in case that's what I want again in a year or two, how do I survive that for a just-in-case. I certainly don't want to be one of those people who stay in a relationship well past it's sell-by-date and look back and say "why didn't I leave long ago ?"

How did I get here ? Well obviously I know the real and practical answer to that ... but somehow my head still asks the question!

So, Bean: Goodbye my love. I hope one day you won't hate me for doing what I believed was right for us both. And know that I truly believe if we are meant to be together, one day we will when I've grown and it's right. If not, then thank-you for all the things I learnt from you & all the fun we had.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think you're really brave and and inspiration to everyone who believes in following your heart, no matter how much sense it makes to anyone else. I don't want to advance the public spectacle so i'll leave it at that. You know what i think anyway...

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