Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Aftermath

This morning I'm still hollow and numb. Last night is a blur.

Last night as I clung onto Bean and the life we'd had I truly missed him. Missed his smell, his voice and just chatting to him about everything and nothing. We'd always been such good friends.

This morning I thought about Bean. I thought more about Varen. I haven't missed Bean in a long time till last night. Not in a relationship sense of the word, really. I had even stopped missing being able to tell him or show him things I knew he'd like. Till last night. Will it come back? I don't know. I don't think I miss him this morning. Not like I did last night. Maybe I'm just numb from all the emotion.

It hurts that Bean could be so much yet not enough. It's harder still that Varen has some of those bit's he didn't. It was hard to try to talk last night about what the real problems were. It was hard for him and I think he said the most honest thing he ever has to me ... he loved me more than he realised. Yup, I believe that. I think that was probably the biggest problem. He didn't know, I certainly didn't either. It hurt him horribly last night to hear how I'd thought he'd felt when actually there had been true emotion was coursing thru him and it had probably been the entire time ... he just hadn't taken the time to share it with me.

Don't forget to do the little things, ever. Sms her when you're thinking of her. Leave her notes hidden in her cupboard. Surprise her with flowers. Phone her for no reason in the middle of a busy day. Surprise her by coming home early. Sneak up and hug her while she's cooking. Sometimes sit and talk to her while she's in the bath. Look at her, admire her, love her. It's the little things.


Phlippy said...

hey, ok, I know EXACTLY what you are going through and can maybe one day offer insight, but for now - be who you are, think what you need to think, cry when you need to cry and feel what you need to feel.

phillygirl said...

thanks, at the moment I don't seem to have a choice ... honestly i'd rather not be feeling this at all, but apparently that's how we grow and move past these things. finger's crossed.

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