Monday, March 26, 2007

I am Raw and Broken.

This evening was so much tougher than I expected. It was sad and lovely all at once. I had to see Bean for the last time before he jets off to his new life in the UK. He's obviously packing up all his stuff and there were still a number of shared items I'd left behind. I knew this was coming, we've been planning it since the beginning of March.

I wasn't even nervous until this afternoon. I was cocky. I love him but in that "I care for you" kinda way. Or so I thought. It was even mostly okay once I was there and saw him and hugged him hello. His eyes were blurring just a little ... I was okay exchanging small talk. "How are your folks", "How's work", "How are all those people I thought were my friends too", you know the sort.

And then we broke. It happened repeatedly over the course of 2 hours. I cried like I haven't since the very early days of our break-up and when I had to move my stuff out in December. It was like breaking up all over again. I love him. I do, in a deep and painful way. We laughed and joked, played each other music we knew the other would like. I'd missed him. I think he'd missed me too. This was a person who was my whole life for so long.

As we cried, we asked why. I told him my why, he told me his. Why couldn't this work, why didn't this work, why didn't we talk to each other about it while it was breaking silently beneath us, why didn't we notice.

Will it ever work again? I don't know. Before I left work today I never thought so. After seeing him again, feeling his tears fall on me as we hugged, listening to his pain and knowing my own ... I don't know. Maybe if we were more honest with each other, maybe if we tried harder ... maybe, maybe, maybe.

And then there is Varen. Things seemed to have reached a pretty manageble point yesterday ... and now, who knows. I have no idea how much this has set me back emotionally. I just know that as we stood there hugging goodbye, crying and crying and hugging for dear life, neither of us wanted me to leave but we knew I had to. And soon, like pulling off a plaster. Still, we spent 2 hours saying goodbye because who knows when or if we'll see each other again ... well, if I'm ever in London, I guess.

My head is such a mess right now, it cannot form coherent thoughts altogether properly. I bathed when I got home from gym. I bathed again when I got home form Bean's. I've been reading all evening. I need to escape.

In true Grey's Anatomy style, as I got in my car and drove away from his complex, Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars played. How ironic and hurtful of the universe. I haven't been able to listen to Snow Patrol since we broke up. It was so bound up in our last few months and will always remind me of him. I love him so much right now. And I thought I'd healed ...

He smsed me a beautiful sms full of all the things he should've said when we were still dating ... and goodbye. It was hard to read even once. I haven't been able to reply yet. It hurts too much.

I am Raw and Broken. And Sad. And Confused. And have all these boxes littering Loulou's lounge that I don't have the energy to go thru. And where does all this leave me and my life right now?

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