Tuesday, April 03, 2007

So Where is That Fine Line?

It's hard to see an ex-boyfriend after the fact. With Bean last Monday, it was about the history. It brought out all the old emotions we had felt while we'd been together, but that are now dormant and hiding away in the dark recesses of my memory.

Yesterday afternoon, I bumped into Varen. I guess the only way we actually managed to break-up this time was becasue we did it on the phone. When I saw him, it was about the chemistry. We've never been good at sticking to the break-ups (there have been a few!), I think because everytime we see each other it degenerates into the good stuff, the physical attraction, the chemistry. Luckily, this time it seems to have stuck, we kept our smart hats on and admitted that as much as we wanted this, it doesn't work right now and it's not the healthy option.

Hopefully I'll get to that comfortable place with both of them one day, the place where you can see each other and enjoy each other's company and truly be hopeful that their lives are better now and they have found happiness.

It's the same with most of my other ex-boys. As I've said before, HighSchoolLove and I have this arrangement down to a perfect tee. Queen of Melodrama and I have this to some degree ... we're generally amicable when we see each other and tend to wish each other the best where neccessary. I feel similarly about
ActorWriterDirector ... although I have no driving interest in his life these days.

The Lying Pilot is another story altogether, I'd probably still catch my breath if I saw him tomorrow. But it's more of a self-protection gut-reaction ... like if you had to find yourself facing a lion in the veld. That anxious "Oh Shit!" kind of tummy-tumble. It's not about the pang for what was lost or history like I share with Bean. It's not a feeling of continued interest or chemistry like I have with Varen. It's abject fear of someone who has hurt me. So, as you can imagine, I'd prefer not to see him again.

I doubt I'll ever feel that way about Bean or Varen, I imagine if I ever were it would've kicked in by now. I guess it's the difference of you breaking up with someone versus someone breaking up with you while you are still madly in love with them. Perhaps that's how Bean will react to me one day, tho. But I sure hope not. I like to think it's purely because I discovered that the whole year I spent with The Lying Pilot was a farce and he was not emotionally involved at all. Whereas I was very much emotionally involved with Bean and it was certainly not a lie.

So I don't know how the next few days will go. I imagine my life will carry on quite as normal. It's a survival mechanism and human's are famous for it ;) That's not to say I won't miss Varen or that I haven't missed Bean. I just need to pick my life up and and not wallow. I can't stay in my room forever ... although I'm pretty sure there'll be quite a bit of that going on. Luckily I've got at least half of DH2 to still watch and there are quite a few good movies showing at the moment - and I don't mind going alone ... it means you're certain not to have someone whispering in your ear thru-out, which we all know I just can not bear.

So, again I ask you, where is that fine line. Varen needs some space from me. I haven't suffered quite the same level of emotional loss ... I still want to be able to mail him the funny little articles or bizarre inventions I find online, that I know he'll love. But, it's hard for him to see my name in his inbox. Yesterday we managed to get away with it being that it wasn't quite real yet and maybe, just maybe, we could've still changed our minds. I doubt he'll be as forgiving for the rest of the week tho. I bet he can't wait to be at his new company with another sweet female colleague to tempt ;) Kidding! But, somewhere in my head, I wonder about that and it's likelyhood. It was always an in-joke with us, while we were together, I'd always get to veto his female employees ... he has a little bit of a history in that department ;)

What is it about ex-boyfriends that say that even if you don't want them, because realistically you know it's not a relationship that'll last for life, no one else is allowed within 50 feet of them either. It's in a similar place to that fine line. Once you can get happy for them in their new life, it's easy to accept they've moved on ... because usually you have too. But you always need to be the first. The cardinal rule of break-up, do not see the ex until you have successfully moved on and are looking so much hotter than when they dated you ... is that just me? It's actually a wonder I've ever managed to see any of my ex-boyfs based around that sort of crazy rule ;)

And that's what's wandering round my head this morning ... the evening was fairly uneventful. Watched ER and some more DH2. Got an sms from Varen asking if he should come over. Luckily I was still feeling smart and told him to ask the friend he was out with if it was a good idea, cause it was the only way he'd get an honest answer. All the while Loulou was shaking her head in the background. Funny how other people are usually much smart at making thew right decision for you ... I guess it's about being removed from the emotions. So we escaped making the same mistake and getting back together less than 24hours after breaking up ... again.

Here's hoping today will be better :)

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