Friday, October 12, 2007

Lost Faith in Life

So I'm in one of those weird dejected, uninterested, lost-all-faith-in-life moods this morning. I guess it started last night and just hasn't evaporated yet, even tho I slept in and woke up to sunshine this morning.

I don't know exactly what it is, and I hadn't really thought too much about it either until Varen asked me what was making me so angry last night ... it's many things, all different facets of my life are getting me down, and then there is the whole life-itself thing, the world we live in, the daily frustration of life on earth. See, it's lots of things.

There are some things I won't discuss here, I still have a vague idea of my readership and am not really in the mood to offend innocent bystanders by my overly critical mood-affected pick-aparts. Although these things *are* still slowly grinding down my will to live with each new day when I wake up and are faced with them yet again.

There are many mundane things frustrating me, many things completely out of my control and although there's plenty in my life that should out-weigh these things (a boyfriend who loves me, good friends and supportive family, health, living above the poverty line and my new zippy little C2), all these are still not sufficient to assuage my depression and anger at life in general.

Sorry, this is not an especially up-beat post for a Friday (which has barely registered in my world).

So, what are these things, the few I'm willing to list? I'm 27 and don't have my own space. Yes, I have a room at Loulou's, but it is not the same. I am the sort of person who forms a bond with items I own, be it as small as the pictures I brought back from Malawi or my framed South African notes or as large as my Indian Elephant Stairs (hmmm, have I told that story?) or my Hippo Table. Currently I have no space for more so, even tho I'm getting to that nesting age and wanting to be surrounded by things of my choosing, it is currently an impossibility in my life. Even moving in with Varen wouldn't solve this issue ... although it would ease it slightly, but as I well know, that is not reason enough to move in with a boyf.

And then there's my job. It's not a bad job, I think I'm pretty good at it although I go thru phases of being frustrated as all hell with it. In it's favour, I have a great boss who I can be completely honest with. But, one of the down sides of having a younger boyfriend with no formal education in the same industry as yourself is that you can compare salaries. Now I don't know exactly what Varen is earning, but I know it's at least 150% of my salary and if he moves to the fancy-ass company he has his eye on, it'll be even more! Now I know that he's a boy and in terms of "supporting a family" should perhaps be earning more. But my equality mentality just struggles with this continuously. I want to earn more (although I don't really want to work more) so that I could think about getting my own place ... even if it meant having to sell the place Bean & I own.

But, is all this really practical? I mean eventually I will be living with someone (hopefully!) and starting a family of my own. Is there a point in me buying & furnishing my own place, think of the expense now, not the metal stability it would provide? And really, would having a 10 grand monthly bond repayment provide me with mental stability ... or would it just provide my mind with a different set of issues.

And those are just some of the personal issues in my life. Now let's move on to the completely-out-of-my-control but frustrating-as-all-hell none the less issues. The traffic in Joburg and all the idiot drivers (not just taxi's) that come with that. The weather in Joburg at the moment ... rain rain rain. Now generally I like rain, but I've found that I also have a penchant for clean, ironed clothes. These two appear to be mutually exclusive and which drove me to despair last night. What else? Hmmm, other than all other people in the world and their ridiculousness and sheer inconsideration for anyone else?

I think it's time to forget wishing for my own house and start wishing for my own island. Far far away (with internet access, obviously).

Let's hope a weekend break and the Mental Health Day I'm planning for next week do something to improve my state of mind. Have a good one.


The Divine Miss M said...

*big hug*

Unknown said...

I don't have my own space either. And I'm married. And I don't see my husband, save for once every five months. And when I immigrate, I'm going to be living with my in-laws for a while. So my own space is a distant prospect because I also need to find a job first...

What Im saying is, that I can relate to some of what you're going through and sometimes I think we just want to get it out're not going to do anything drastic, and within a year or even the next six months you'll see how not getting the things you're considering right now was maybe a good idea.

Things always work out and I'm sure it'll do the same for you. I don't know you from a bar of soap, yet I sense your temporary despair. YOu're going to be fine.

Lopz said...

Your faith will come back Philly. Everyone loses faith sometimes, and it sucks, so perhaps you need a night out with cocktails and music and the right to throw your name away, followed by a day to curl up in your bed and watch the world disappear.

Maybe after that you'll find that your faith was just in hiding. :-)

phillygirl said...

Thanks girls :) I'm feeling a little better after a long phone call with my Mom (it always helps!).

And I know it's perfectly normal to find yourself frustrated when you feel like you are treading water in the ocean of life ... I think it just really all tumbled onto me at once in the last 24 hours, leaving my spirit crushed. Plus, it's probably hormonal - must remember to keep taking my Omega 3s :)

Richard said...

I could leave a message of encouragement telling you to cheer up, and don't let life get you down, or I could tell you that things can get better, or something equally motivating. But I'm not going to.

I'm going to tell you that life sucks. Most of us are depressed and unhappy about something or everything. It's just how life is. I'm not trying to trivialize your problem, and please believe me, I know exactly where you are right now, I've been there many times myself. But I want to leave you with this:

Every single person around you, that you walk past on the street, drive past on the way to work, meet at work, every single one of them have at some stage felt like you're feeling now. It doesn't matter how successful you are or how well you're doing, you always have something to feel down about.

Your boyfriend loves you, all of us love you [in that I love you blogger-person kinda way], and we all know that you'll find your happiness. Just smile. It's the only thing you can really do until the mood passes. And it will pass.

Promise :)

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