Monday, December 03, 2007

Conflict of Interests

So, in the interests of public safety, I'm going to highly recommend that you never deal with an Estate Agent called Craig Newton at Fine & Country. He has been the most useless agent and I have had to phone him repeatedly to get any information and now well, you know the story. I'm still holding out marginal reaches of hope. But dealing with this guy means that marginal is an even smaller quantity that usual.

And since I'm talking about the things that are depressing me, let's give it a full go.

1. Work
I am absolutely hating work these days. I wish the people here would just leave me to do the things I'm good at and trust me on it. I wish I had a walled off office that I could hide in. Instead we have internal clients who make unilateral decisions over our head and then I'm considered argumentative because I tell them when these decisions are not the best or not made based on all the information. I feel like I'm the bad guy too often. I do the investigation into these projects and give them the best results I can. But if they don't like the results (because they already promised something to someone) then it's my fault. Not theirs for making a decision on incomplete information or on blatant assumptions. I just feel like my team and I are currently not being respected (even tho we are the experts with the knowledge for this system) or appreciated (because they can't understand why 2 people can't deliver everything tomorrow ... and even tho we now have a team of 4, we're still training up the newbs, they are no benefit yet, just a drain on TheBrad & my resources and time).

2. Varen's House (and my lack there-of)
As much as I care for Varen and am thrilled that he has managed at the ripe age of 25 to secure himself a fabulous home worth very close to a million bucks, it is killing me slowly. I am desperately craving something of my own and every step seems thwarted, from my initial pre-approved bond application to the developer changing his mind. Instead I get to swan around in every home-related store open in the Johannesburg region helping Varen pick stuff out. Which I love doing.

I knew this would happen. But I can't not. His thrill of buying his new appliances and
curtains and his wanting to share it with me is more important than the little bit of me that is dying at each swipe of his credit card. It's not mine. And at this rate, it'll never be me picking out things to fill my very own home. I went thru it all with Bean. And I was involved and it was for my home too. Although he was buying and he now owns it all, it was just as much mine as his. Actually, I've lost track of the stuff we split (like pots & towels etc.) but he got to keep them all - I had no house to move them to. And I lost all of that. And now I'm picking out house items with another boy, well aware, this time with the 20-20 vision of hindsight, that they are not mine.

3. Me
Yes, this is the tricky one and the one most difficult to change in any way. Varen says he loves me, and I know he does. He says I'm beautiful and that he thinks I'm sexy. But I don't think so, so I just can't believe him when he says it. This is not helping. I'm now over weight. I know it. I can't seem to fix it. As much as I hate myself, I can't find the resolution to stop eating (or rather, to only eat salad) or to get to gym every day. As I've said before, I find gym depressing. It reminds me how much I hate myself. I mostly try to eat well or if not well, then in smaller quantities. And the terrible thing is, I'm sure I eat better than some people, yet since I have no discernible metabolism (to my mind, although apparently this is impossible) it makes not a shred of difference. I wish for the resolve to stop eating altogether or for a magic pill that will solve all my problems. But, neither exist.

And that is the terrible story of what is going on in my head on a constant basis ... and this is why I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings and spend all day wishing for the chance to go home and curl up in my PJs with my laptop and millions of unwatched series episodes.

Yup, it's certainly Monday.


Lopz said...

I just thought I'd offer some sisterly solidarity in the life of the depressed. I have become so miserable about my job situation that it's colouring everything else in my life, so where I was previously able to separate issues and react accordingly, it feels to me like I am now reacting negatively to everything, big or small, that comes way my way.

I have no platitudes or good advice for you hun, just know that're not alone in feeling like that. Vasbyt! :-)

phillygirl said...

@lopz - thanks, I'm not sure yet if it does help to know that I'm not alone in this, I wouldn't wish it on any one else! But i definitely agree that when certain things in your life become miserable (even if it's only you that sees them that way, it's enough) then it starts to affect all other aspects of your life.

And that is just depressing ;)

Lopz said...

Yes it is, and the worst part is, there's really nothing anyone can say or do that will make it better. I'm hoping this is the pre-mid-life crisis, and that it's a phase which we'll grow out of. Probably wishful thinking, but I'm trying to find the nuggets of hope in the sea of despair :-)

phillygirl said...

@lopz - I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's just an end-of-year mood fatigue type depression and will lift with the holidays and the hope of 2008 holding better things :) Hoping, hoping, hoping ...

noodle said...

You are SO not alone. I completely agree…

All I seem to have the strength for these days is laying on the couch watching the tube, ESPECIALLY on a monday…

Relax, we all just need a break.

phillygirl said...

@noodle - thanks :) I think it's also the sheer lack of impressive summer weather up here in Jhb. We seem to be having gray set-in days like a Cape Town winter ?!?

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