Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Feeling Blue

So, this may be a post to rival yesterday's "Shortest Post Ever". I am hugely not in a blogging state of mind. It's not that my mind isn't racing with thoughts, it's that they're not blog-type thoughts. They're inklings of things and issues and fears and whatnot. Things I'm not yet ready to share with the world at large ... or even anyone outside my head. Sadly, they're not good things :( Let's say that at this point I'm a scared little girl. I hate that. But sometimes life gets a little overwhelming and ... How can I explain? Sometimes I wish I could control everything ... and at the same time sometimes I wish more was left to chance and worked out itself as if by magic. Magic, I could do with a little of that these days :)

For the first time in my life I look back (on my vast 28 years) and wish I was one of those people who'd met someone when I was 21 or 23 or whatever and had been happily dating them for the last 7 - 5 years. But, to be fair, I haven't. Mostly because of who I am ... and often to do with the boys I was dating. I dunno, forever freaks me out. I don't know how people just "believe". Where do they get their faith that they can weather all storms with one person. Where do they get the faith that that one person will manage to put up with all their (okay, my) nonsense for that long? How do you prove yourself to someone (or them to you) except over time ... and that's the one thing passing by faster every day. If you make the wrong choices there's no going back. Like me, it's pointless wishing for something I can't change ... like having met Mr. Wonderful when I was barely 20. I've generally accepted that I made the right (or best with the knowledge I had) decision at the time.

Meh, regret (and that isn't even really what I feel) is a waste of an emotion ... nothing one can do about the past. Let's just say there have been some occurrences surrounding me lately that have made me wonder about life-long things. And in all honesty, those things should really make me greatful that I haven't spent the last 5 - 7 years with the same person. But still, society is a weird place and we have some odd things hard-wired in our brains, don't we?

But now, time to focus on the future ... finger's crossed that brings a few more positive thoughts :)

7 comments:

Tamara said...

Hmmm... you do sound blue. It happens to the best of us sometimes.

Strongs, my friend.

sweets said...

no regrets!!... our experiences make us who we are... better people, hopefully :)

The Jackson Files said...

Aaaaahhhhh Philly, I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a rough patch.

You know, I only realised who the love of my life was AFTER I had had Jackson and by that time he'd got some other girl knocked up. Now THAT'S regret.

phillygirl said...

@all - thanks guys :)

@tjf - eep!

Lopz said...

"I dunno, forever freaks me out. I don't know how people just "believe". Where do they get their faith that they can weather all storms with one person. Where do they get the faith that that one person will manage to put up with all their (okay, my) nonsense for that long?"

To answer your question hun, I think most people don't know for sure - they just hope. Once the fairytale crumbles, which happens to all of us at different times in our lives, all that's left is the knowledge that it takes a hell of a lot of hard work, and maybe also a bit of luck, for a relationship to go the full distance and for both partners to remain happy.

I think what's more important that forever is for-right now. By that I mean that both of you are 100% committed to the relationship as it stands this minute, and that you commit to the future together as far as you possibly can.

That's not to say you're giving each other an easy way out should you change your mind, but rather that you realistically concede that you can't see the future, and all you can do is work really hard one day at a time to give your partnership the best possible chance.

That's all any of us can do, and you know what - many times, that's enough! But I think worrying too much about forever puts incredible pressure on a couple. So many things can change, and so many things are out of your control.

Worry about the things you CAN control, and you'll feel a lot better about things.

Mwah xxx

angel said...

sjoe... strongs philly!

supermom said...

(((hugs))) there's not guarentees in life. Never. Not for one day or a life-time. I think it's about willing to take a risk and not the believe.
Again (((hugs)))

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