Friday, August 08, 2008

Too Much But Still Nothing To Say

Today I'm not in a happy mood. In fact last night I was composing my post in my head and it wasn't one I would be willing to actually publish. I still think I might do that, just to have a record of my actual feelings but not leave them out for public display. Not everything is for human consumption and as honest as I am on my blog, often there's a line between what goes on in a person's head privately and what they're willing to share with all and sundry out loud (as it were). So this is not going to be a particularly entertaining blog post. I'm just not in a social mood right now. I'm sure you all noticed just how my week's nights have been going, and last night was no different. But hey, I can only hope that my anti-social gymming might pay off. Bah, unlikely ... that's just typical in my life tho.

So ye, I'll probably be writing a bit more later if I actually get the chance. Work seems to think that I'm here all day to actually work ... I have *no* idea where they got that idea from, but it's seriously stifling my mood by not providing me with an outlet for what I'm feeling. And I believe that's a large part of why I've ended up feeling the way I do today ... although another half of me can't wait to dive right in and get cracking on things here, simply as another escape mechanism, like watching Series or reading my book (or going to gym). Sigh. Finger's crossed I feel better over the weekend. At very least I'll have to fake it for Saturday night because we've already made plans ... other than that I could happily hide away all weekend, although that probably will only serve to further entrench these feelings. No right answer, no easy solution ... but hey, isn't that practically the definition of life.

On that note, I remembered that I wanted to mention a post that I read yesterday that really struck a chord with me, it was written by Sweets and it was about depression. Not hers, mind you, but a friend of her's who went so far as to actually kill herself. It's funny cause her post was all about how she simply couldn't understand why her friend had done it but what I got out of it (finding it easier to relate to her friend than her), was that not everyone understands when things are wrong in your head but you just can't explain them. It was very interesting to hear things from a different point of view. Although the funny thing is I'd probably be the first person to tell someone to "suck it up" and get on with life ... but I don't often take my own advice. Sometimes the smallest thing can seem insurmountable.

So anyway, ye, that is pretty much what I hope my private post will be about. Summing up the small things that are whizzing around my head right now in the hopes of controlling them or at least beating them into submission with a little logic ;) But I've already shared more this morning than I was planning to ... hope y'all have a fabulous weekend.


Sweets said...

we need to get you some happy pills :) just kidding!

i actually wrote a long comment and then decided to delete it, what do i know anyway! LOL

have a great weekend!!

Tamara said...

The best thing about a blog is that you can set your own boundaries! I hope you get time and head space to work out the issues flying around your head, and that your weekend is filled with magical moments that bring a smile to your face.

phillygirl said...

@sweets - thanks for the comment, and I wasn't in anyway saying i was contemplating jumping off a bridge by saying I related to your friend ... so no need to worry too much. I think everyone only knows as much as anyone else will let them and mostly it's not a lot of the deep inner workings and insecurities of our mind.

@tamara - yep, it is a handy thing having a space where i can chose what to show and what not to, although sometimes I think both are just as dangerous as the other ... hmmmm.

thanks. have a fab weekend gals :)

Lopz said...

@philly - big hugs babe.

Wendren said...

Depression is one of those things I understand can only really be understood once you have gone through it. From the outside it is difficult to see how depression feels or what is going on in the person's mind and from the inside, well I guess it is something quite different too. It is also not something that should be shunned. The percentage of people who suffer from it is high. I think I'm getting carried away now so I will stop. :) Have a great weekend.

Sweets said...

i was kidding!!!


you just sounded a bit off that's all...

phillygirl said...

@lopz - thanks hon!

@wendren - thanks for the words of wisdom :) and I did have a really great weekend!

@sweets - my response was more to you saying you'd written a long comment and deleted it. I think it is a hard thing to comment on and you are spot on in saying I was feeling "a bit off", I was feeling very off!

Sage said...

I have moments in my life like that, I ache to write about them but I wouldn't want to have them publicly known.. hence my fall back plan, a nice suede journal that is mine, private and personal..

{{hugs}} hope things improve for you soon.

phillygirl said...

@sage - that's an interesting thought. but i just don't have the discipline for a proper journal ... although I guess I don't alway think I have time for blogging either, but I know what a difference it makes on my mood to just unload so maybe it's a worthwhile habit to train into myself ;)

& thanks, I am feeling better already :)

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