Friday, September 23, 2011

Moody Blues

It has been a very meh and off-kilter week for me. I've just been down and anti-social and, left to my own devices, my brain attacks. It's very annoying that it can make stuff up and make me believe it. Although logically I know it's not true. Sigh. So I've spent a week being squashed by questions about life and what I'm doing and why and all sorts of annoying things. I've had self-doubt swallow me.

So Monday I was home and actually in bed with lights out by 8pm. I was just feeling disconnected and unnaturally tired. On Tuesday I almost did the same but decided instead that I would go out. Since it was an SCM Birthday at Schwabing ... R50 a schnitzel! Not too bad and I think the best food-experience I've had there. But because there were so many of us and we were waiting for people to arrive we ordered late, our food arrived even later and I was exhausted by the time I left ... I even skipped dessert (and @samanthaperry had organised a delish cake from Indulge!)

Wednesday was pretty average but another evening spent at home alone. Last night tho, I finally saw The Trucker (he'd been working every night this week so far). We shared a pizza at Col'Cacchio. Poor boy, dealing with my mood I had to keep trying to convince him it wasn't him ... not the real him anyway, just the him my head was making up stories about :P

I guess after this many years and this many failed relationships it's hard not to doubt and question and to just trust instead. I mean, sure it's easy when the person is nearby reminding you that they're there ... but when they can't be, it's that little bit harder. Because the last person who was "working late" probably wasn't ...

On Thursday I had woken up completely blue and spent a sad day expecting everything to fall apart and completely unsure of myself and my life and what on earth I am doing and the point of it all. Even tho logically I know I am doing great things. Traveling the world and being independent with lots of friends and a wonderful family that's just a little too far away sometimes. Unfortunately when I'm in this dumb mood I don't rely on any of them and instead just end up curling up inside my head making myself feel worse. Silly, I know.

But on the plus side I know it'll pass and I'll get distracted by real life and things on the go again ... I can feel it happening already.

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