Friday, October 05, 2012

Comparison is Bad for Your Health

Yeah, my mood is less than spectacular this morning. It hasn't been a very bad week tho (relaxing evenings at home, boot camp, SCM Dinner and Bookclub). I dunno, I can't seem to snap out of this blue feeling and I just feel like the weight of everything is squishing me. And then things I could just brush off in a happier mood are annoying me or weigh me down more. I dunno, this real life thing is over-rated.



There, that. exactly that. I should just stay off Facebook. Every day someone new is pregnant or someone got engaged, every weekend someone got married. Well, everyone except me. That's how it feels anyway.

I don't really know what I want from life at the moment. Yes, one day, I want ye olde typical wedding and babies, although honestly the reality of these things (being with someone forever and being responsible for another person) still actually terrify me a little. But somehow I have ended up with someone who doesn't really want for these things. Someone who after 18months I'm still not living with, which I know is not an indication of anything necessarily. Someone who I'm probably not going to be living with in the next year either ... But see, aside from that, the right here and right now is generally good. If I can get past my need to know where things are going. He doesn't need to know. He's quite happy with everything the way it is for right now. Me, I suck in the here & now :P

Somehow every other single person in the world seems to have got it right except me. And if only the logical part of my brain could win out, I would know that's not true. I know plenty of girls older and younger than me who haven't even dated someone in the last year. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I generally adore and who does actually care about me (although I don't always feel like that). Why doesn't knowing that make me realise that there are probably some people out there thinking I've got it all together and a great life (much like what I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and thinking about other people too). I don't know why, but it doesn't help one single bit.

I have loads to be grateful for. I know that. But it's just not helping to snap me out of this malaise. I feel left behind and disconnected from people and life.

I think it's that pyramid thing of human requirements. The better your life is, the smaller the things that get you down and you turn them into problems in your head. How ridiculous are we? It all sounds so petty. Mine are not *real* problems. What they are is things around me making me feel bad about myself. And they shouldn't. Maybe that is a real problem. Maybe it's just exactly what the quote says. Maybe it's just that time of year.

1 comment:

Lia said...

I adore this post for its honesty and grace and the fact that it must have taken a lot to put all these feelings into words.

We are usually the harshest judge of our lives and unnecessarily so. I have read your blog for a little while now and I can say without a doubt that you have achieved a hell of a lot more than most people I know. I really admire your zest for life.

Anyone can follow the school-studying-work-husband-kids pattern, but rarely do people devote time to themselves and their personal development. Traveling is such a gift and I admire the fact that you are headstrong enough to ensure that you travel at least once a year. You've also set yourself up in a self-bought home which must have been the greatest feeling of accomplishment and you deserve to feel proud. There is plenty of time for marriage and kids and I am certain that when that happens for you, you will never feel that have missed out on life and all that it holds.

Plus, you seem to have set a routine for yourself so I doubt that you will ever stop traveling and once you are settled down, how wonderful will it be to share all your worldly knowledge with your children and discover even more countries with them?

This post really spoke to me and I wish you all the best :)

Lia

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