Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Dear Life

This is quite probably the worst thing you've done to me so far. I'm not coping at all. Yesterday was filled with the surreal state of denial. I skipped gym so that I couldn't be left alone with my brain while swimming laps. I immersed myself in some escapism via series.

At around 6pm I felt myself floundering. Thanks to @clairam for providing a safe haven where I needn't be alone. And chicken mayo sarmies and wine.

I got home and collapsed in a pit of self-despair. I am broken. I don't know how to do this. Because I did it to myself. For the promise of something maybe. I am devastated by this decision. There were down-sides to my relationship with The Trucker, of course there were, we're both different people. But for the most part we were happy. And I was loved and spoilt. At the moment I can only remember the good and all the things I'm volunteering to miss out on :( My eyes are puffy from tears I can't stop.

I miss him terribly. Getting thru one night without each other is easy. It's the anticipation of every other night that is killing me. Every other moment of every day. I'm trying to get an appointment with a new therapist. I need help.

I don't know how to know you're making the right choice. With The Lying Pilot, I didn't have a choice. And that's maybe the closest kind of sad I've felt to this. But after 3 months I was wishing I could thank him for saving me from himself. I was grateful. I was still young.

With Bean, I had the promise of the unknown pushing me forward, because that was a tough decision too. But obviously when he realised he was gay however long it was later (less than a year tho, I think), it had been the right decision for us both. Varen was the easiest thing ever. I have never before been so excited about a break-up and the prospect of my own life. A weight was lifted.

Now, now I just want this boy back. And it's my choice, I guess. I can have him back, but what does that mean for the rest of my life? I never considered my life without kids. I have this idea of a happy family. And part of me isn't sure that The Trucker can give me that. In fact I'm pretty sure he can't because he has a different picture in his head. How much can you compromise. And who knows if that picture in your head, although it's what every person on your facebook timeline seems to have, is even attainable.

I'm facing the reality in my head that the people who are happily (?) married with kiddies have all been together for ages now. Well it seems that way to me. So maybe I have no chance of ever getting there. I feel like I've messed up my history with bad choices. They didn't seem so bad at the time but they clearly aren't getting me closer to where I wanted to be.

I don't want to be single again. I did it before, I survived. I like being part of something with someone. I'd like that to be more of a Team than The Trucker and I were (or probably would ever be), but I feel a lot like a cat trying to be put involuntarily into a bucket of water. I haven't looked up those 5 steps of grief, but I'm guessing based on this experience that right after Denial comes Bargaining. My head is desperately running rampant coming up with any possible alternate solution here, one where I get to keep this boy and life still turns out wonderfully and have children. But it hasn't managed any successful offerings yet :( I feel like the opposite of a Vampire right now. Daylight makes life seem manageable. But when the sun goes down I revert to a tearful hysterical mess.

I am a mess. A blubbering sad depressed lonely mess.


po said...

I really feel for you. A terribly hard and brave decision.

Louisa said...

What are your plans this weekend? I don't know how much we can offer you in the line of distraction, but you're welcome to come and hang out with us if you're up for it.

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