Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Survival Mode

I can't believe how my emotions are fluctuating on a day to day basis thru this process. Day 1 I got thru the daylight alright. Denial was rife and reality had definitely not yet set in. Aside from one minor glitch, where he didn't say "Speak to you later" when we said goodbye in the morning, it might've just been any other day ... except that I stopped myself messaging him when I felt the pang. Except that my brain and other people kept reminding me.

In the evening of Day 1, the wheels fell off and I got quite hysterical in that quiet time before bed. What have I done?

Day 2 was harder. During the daylight of Day 2 I was a complete mess and had a bit of a breakdown in the comfort of a quiet room with @jarredcinman. Hysterical tears and unattractive blubbing and sheer devastation as reality dawned. The evening of Day 2 was easier. Quieter. I went to SCM Dinner.

I don't really know what today holds. I feel quiet numb. I feel exhausted even tho I did manage to sleep. I woke up yawning. I'm drained and feel like I am in a fog. This is not my life. I guess denial might be back. But, yes, this is my life. One step at a time. That is all I'm managing.

I ache. I ache for the good and the love of The Trucker. I miss him terribly. I'm trying to be proactive. I've collected up all his things. I've made a list of what I need to get back from him. I've got an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. My Mom is coming to stay for the long weekend.

I hurt. This hurts so very much. I know I'll survive it. But I have lost something I'll never get back. This will probably be my biggest regret if it turns out I don't end up having kids. I keep wishing for things to turn out the way I dreamt they would with him. But I keep realising that he wasn't dreaming of the same things. That's what I'm struggling with.

I keep thinking this is what Survival Mode must feel like. Just make it thru another day any way you can.

1 comment:

AngelConradie said...

Oh Philly my heart just aches for you... I admire you for knowing what you want and taking steps to get it, I just wish for you that it didn't have to be this way.

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