Thursday, December 13, 2012

Ups and Downs

Not doing well today at all. Had a pretty good week till yesterday actually. Saw The Trucker briefly on Monday evening. He popped past to drop off some stuff of mine he'd found.

We chatted a bit more. I wasn't really sure if I should, the way I was feeling, I wasn't really sure I wanted to save things anymore. What I wanted to know was, in spite of all the bad examples of parenting he had that were putting him off, if we took kids out of the equation, what did he really want from a relationship? Who did he see as having the relationship he wanted. And the penny dropped for me when he answered ... he wants a companionship, not a relationship. He'd always said, you have your life, I have my life and we have a relationship. But hearing the word companionship come out of his mouth as the first word to describe what he was looking for was like a light bulb moment.

I think that's exactly it. He wants someone to hang out with and have fun with, who's there for movie nights and holidays. You know, the fun and easy stuff. The stuff that's better when you have someone to do it with. But he doesn't need the bad stuff. When he's had a hard day at work, I'm not who he wants to see, being around me (or anyone I presume?) doesn't make him feel better about things. And dealing with my bad stuff? I guess he'd rather not. He wants something that's easy. That's light and fluffy. I want something that's meaningful, someone who is there and who you are there for. Someone to support you. I guess a real relationship is more symbiotic than a companionship. Mutual needs being fulfilled. And that's, I guess, where the trade-offs in relationships come from ... you do this for me and I do this for you, for our mutual benefit. To keep us both happy.

Anyway, these thoughts got me thru the first half of the week quite nicely. I thought I'd made peace with it all and accepted it.

On Tuesday evening was our SCM Xmas Dinner. Shew, so much food. Everyone brought something, I made my Spinach and Feta Pie. But we ate after 9pm (so not my ideal) and I didn't sleep well at all.

Yesterday was probably my worst day at work this year. Perhaps ever. I don't want to talk about it, it's still leaving a bad taste in my mouth and we will see what happens today ... But I left here yesterday feeling like perhaps I needed a whole new career direction. #sigh

Then last night was Book Club. We did Secret Santa, which was quite fun. But I left feeling quite low. Our book club has a few (3) older girls in it now. They're all in their early 40s. All single. And the things they said did not make me feel very good about the likelyhood about meeting someone amazing who could offer what I was looking for at this stage of my life.

Again I'm back to that sinking feeling that I missed a boat somewhere and am never going to find what I want / picture for my life. Other people have found it, but they found it ages ago and have settled into it and it's a warm safe place for them. I'm out in the cold, alone, wandering aimlessly. That's how it feels anyway.

I woke up still feeling miserable. Wondering if all this is actually worth it and where the happiness is. I was happy a lot this year, with The Trucker. I don't know what I could give up to get that back? Or if we could even get that back after this? But today I feel very alone and sad.

So many people say you should live in the present. I tried that the whole time I was dating The Trucker. And yes, it's a great place to be ... but if you don't plan for the future, how do you know you'll end up where you want to with the experiences you want? I can leave some things to chance ... where and when my next holiday will be. But marriage and kids? I'd rather not. I think I kinda have been leaving them up to chance and chance has not yet sided with me on this one :(


AngelConradie said...

What a roller coaster ride... Big hugs Philly. I am thinking of you every day.

tanyadeville said...

:( i wish there was something i could do... or anyone could do. My heart is sad for you.
thinking of you and hope you find a ray of sunshine soon.

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