Friday, December 14, 2012

Dead on my Feet

Yawn. Long week this one. Just because I feel like I haven't stopped for a minute. Seriously I thought yesterday *had* to be Friday! Luckily yesterday wasn't as bad as Wednesday tho, I definitely don't think I'd have survived. But make no mistake yesterday was hard.

The Trucker messaged me. Hugs and kisses. And said he needed a real one yesterday. Obviously that didn't happen. But it does mean I struggle terribly with this whole we love and miss each other but there is no acceptable compromise thing ... It is breaking my heart.

I know I can get past this, one day at a time, but what I struggle with really is if this is the right move. Some days I think if we could just figure out a future we're both happy with, we could make it. But who knows. I mean who knows if there's a future we could both be happy with and if we'd make it last. I struggle with the knowledge that I was happy this year, I was happy with him. Why am I giving that up. Some days I think I'll never end up having kids. Some days I'm determined and think I'll do it on my own if I have to. Some days I think I'll never meet someone (okay, probably most days). I think that's really what is killing me. Choosing not him over no one else either. #sigh. I want him back. I really do. I want the good things back. I want to believe.

The lack of sleep is probably not doing me much good either. Last night I had some (6) of the girls from work over. I was seriously considering cancelling, but I had organised so long ago and everyone was looking forward to the catch up. It turned out to be quite a nice evening tho. Everyone brought a plate of food (and some over achievers brought 5 plates!) and drinks.

But today, I am exhausted. Mom arrives later for the long weekend. She booked flights last week when she was worried about me. Initially I thought I'd be fine but then I realised it would be much better having her around keeping me company. Weekends are hard ... and long. And lonely.

I watched this video, which I really liked. I know I'm not the only person in the world who's had to make this decision before. But it is so hard. Sometimes I don't know if I'm helping or hindering myself. I do google searches for "My boyfriend doesn't want kids" and "living in the moment versus planning for the future" and "can you fight the urge to have children" and "deciding to have a kid on your own". You can't believe how much is online. There is no consensus. There is the idea that if you put pressure on a guy he'll just bail (heck out the comments on that!), there are also so many women who do wait for guys who want kids "one day" but never really do and then the girls end up close to 40 and miserable.

"While I waited for a response, I caught myself wondering, Why am I having to work so hard to convince my boyfriend to do something so natural, which everyone else seemed to being doing without a second thought?"

"If we never think about the direction we want to go in our life, it is very unlikely we will get there. This is why it is so important to make our values and goals clear to ourselves."
(those quotes are both from articles I've read)

I guess there is no hard and fast "rule" and no golden arrow. I don't know what to do and I don't think there is anything I can do. Life is pretty miserable right now.

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