Friday, January 11, 2013

A Million Little Pieces

Well, my heart is broken into a million pieces. Well, that is what it feels like. Literally and figuratively. Shattered. It's a feeling.

So this week ... Monday was fine, a quiet night in at home, so was Wednesday and Thursday evening. It's my first week back at boot camp so I've been a little exhausted. Never thought I'd say I'd missed it, but I kinda did. And I've been working my way thru Dexter Season 7. Tuesday was, as usual, SCM Dinner.

Aside from that, I am doing generally okay, making plans, getting on with my life. On Wednesday evening tho, I finally got that email from The Trucker that I was expecting.

Nope, he hasn't changed his mind. I'm exhausted. I'm done trying. I'm giving up. I can't make him see something he is finding all sorts of excuses to escape from. Clearly life really is about timing and it just doesn't matter how good your relationship is otherwise.

I love him, I want to be his girlfriend, I want to live with him, I want a future with him. But, none of those things will ever happen. He is going thru his own stuff. It is really over now. And I'm not sure we'll speak again. He wants to be friends. Pah! Who can do that? I still care too much for that right now. It hurts. It hurts to see what he's up to ... he's gone from one FB status update every 2 weeks to more than one a day (and no, I can't look away ... what a bizarre form of masochism). I can kinda understand. I think I'm more prolific on twitter these days. When you're alone you need a way to reach out to other people. But there he is, out doing things he should be doing with me .... I miss seeing his name in my profile too. I hate not being connected to him. And yes, I know, I'm out doing things too.

So I'm moving on. I have to. It hurts to much to remember. I am so so sad. I know, in 3 months or 6 months or a year or maybe only when I have found someone new to love and adore, I'll be able to look back fondly on the awesome relationship we had and how many great experiences we got to share. But for now it's just too painful.

Again, on the plus side, I know in a few days I'll be numb again and life will feel manageable again. I have a lot of stuff coming up, keeping me busy. And now, I guess, I've become Interviewing For a Husband. Sigh. I feel old. And tired. And I just want to find someone who wants the same things from life that I do and settle down and live a quiet full life. Who knew what a tall order that would be :P


AngelConradie said...

Its masochism indeed, but thats human nature isn't it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers P, I know you've done the best thing you could for you.
Even if you got an email or a call from him tomorrow saying he'd changed his mind, you'd most likely never feel "right" about it...
As for "being friends", I'm with you. I am incapable of that. There's too much history when a relationship ends.

Anonymous said...

Stalking exes is what the internet is partly for. I'm sure everyone does it from time to time - and your wounds are still pretty fresh so cut yourself some slack.

Word of caution though, don't drop your touch screen phone while doing this cause you might end up sending a friend request accidentally to someone you'd rather just have a look at secretly...well, maybe that's just me. ;-)

I know this part hurts like hell, but you ARE going to get through it. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I've been following all the posts on this, and I definitely think you've made the best decision for yourself here...regardless of how much it hurts.

And that's just it. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to have a fat cry and get drunk and fall to pieces. Because you will get up again. You will be okay again. And you will love again.

((Huge hugs)) my friend.

ExMi said...

there is no "friends" - not when there's feelings involved. you'll always want more, need more and feel like there's the possibility, as long as you remain in touch and remain connected.

it's best to walk away completely, remove him from all your online/social networks - it's hard, but it helps. and one day you'll discover that you hardly think about him at all...

i really hope that comes quickly for you. xx

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