Monday, January 14, 2013

Mindset

Wow I had a crazy busy weekend. Which is good. Good to keep busy. This morning I'm kinda reflective. I know there'll be good and bad, up and down days still. But I feel like after my post on Friday I've been okay. And I was okay before The Trucker's email on Wednesday evening too.

I think I learnt this weekend that my pain, which I feel and is real, is no longer specifically related to The Trucker at all. Yes, the situation with him has hurt me, but I do understand his perspective. I'm not sure he understands mine exactly, but I do get his. I remember how I felt when Bean started talking about us maybe moving to Japan for his work the following year and the realisation I felt that I couldn't carry on dating him because there was no way I could move half way across the world to a country who's language I couldn't speak, where I only knew him and he'd be at work all day and I probably wouldn't even be able to work. The realisation was a breaking point for me, when I knew we weren't forever. I guess that's what I assume The Trucker is going thru. Me saying I want kids in the next few years and him realising that means he can't carry on dating me because it's not what he wants.

I wanna hate him for it. But I can't. I don't like him for it, but I know just because I was ready for a whole life with him doesn't make him ready for one with me. And now I know my pain is around what I've lost, not around him. I've done the being alone thing. I know who I am. I enjoyed the time I had to myself between Varen and The Trucker. And I'm fine at being alone now. I manage. My life hasn't changed much. I do all the things I did before ... go to work, go to Boot Camp, go to SCM, see my friends, watch movies and series and get up to all sorts of other things. My life is not what is making me sad. It's not loving someone or being loved by someone that is making the hole in my heart.

I walk thru shopping malls and I still spot things I think he'd like and I would've bought for him before. It sounds dumb, but the mere act of including someone in your life and doing something for them. I miss that. I miss being loved by someone too. I miss just having someone around in the quiet time. When I was reading my book on my bench on Saturday morning and there was no one still inside asleep. When I was sitting on my couch on Sunday evening sipping a glass of wine while watching series, there was no one warm sitting with me.

It's weird to realise it's not him. I know eventually there'll be someone else. There are plenty of people out there and I think most people are actually looking for these simple things. After all, that's how The Trucker and I started out ... keeping each other company. Unfortunately we came apart when I needed more. That's gonna be a the trick next time. And, obviously, finding someone I want more with again :P I think I kinda just assumed it would happen one day with Bean. And I knew it wasn't what I wanted with Varen for a long time before we broke up (you'd think that would've spurred me to break up sooner?). But I think this was the first time I really really was ready and wanted to do it in such a tangible way. And I guess that's kinda scary for someone else who isn't there yet.

Right, did NOT mean to get into all that right now, but I guess that's what this blog writing / emotional purging is about sometimes ;) Back to my weekend ....

On Friday evening I headed to DJMike and his wife's place for dinner. Yay, and we got to eat fish and it was delish! I'm focusing on all the good stuff I can do now that The Trucker is not included - he hated fish. (I also made my favourite dinner for myself on Thursday evening that he used to make for us, and it was pretty good for a first attempt!). Was a lovely evening catching up with them and seeing the wedding and honeymoon photos.

On Saturday morning I met up with @louisabouwer and Nicola at Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens for an ice-cream and a wander and a jolly good catch-up. Just what I needed. Thanks for the hugs and the words of wisdom. As much as I want to meet that person who I can have the future in my head with, it's nice hearing from someone who's done it that they're confident you'd manage fine as a single mom if it comes down to that ... Nicola is at such a fabulous age now, and she even remembered my name :) One of my favourite little people, right there ... Louisa, you are doing a fantastic job!

I did a little bit of an attempted shop afterwards ... and passed The Trucker with only a wave and a pang in the pit of my stomach in the mall. Shew. I hate that instant full-bodied shock reaction you get when you see them unexpectedly. I haven't had it in years, what with all my exes leaving the country ;)

On Saturday evening we'd organised a girl's night out in Greenside. We started with dinner at Topo Gigio, which was quite nice. Then we headed to The Office and a little later to Tokyo Star. Okay, I won't lie, this whole "clubbing" thing is gonna take some getting used to. I know The Trucker is back to his single ways and hitting the Doors every weekend again too ... because he seems to document every move on Facebook suddenly. Honestly, I think he has checked in and tagged his friends and uploaded more photos since we broke up than he ever tagged them or me in the entire time we were dating. I know it shouldn't matter, but it kinda feels like a big Gee, Thanks and that he wasn't "proud" of dating me. Which I know is probably all in my head but I feels like that anyway.

So yeah, I'll say it, I still prefer Saturday evenings spent at home, curled up on the couch watching TV. Or out for a nice dinner or you know? This whole standing around waiting for a decent song (cause the music was rubbish), unable to have any conversations, and just browsing the people around you ... and then there's the getting spoken to by the biggest idiots in the place thing. These boys latch onto you and it's hard to get the message across that you think they're morons and they just keep turning up :P Well, it seems like that when any of the girls in your group randomly knows one of the guys in theirs ... so First Rule of Clubbing: Don't speak to any boys you don't want following you around hopefully for the rest of the evening.

Drank Coke Zero all night ... which I'm sure adds to the more critical view of the whole event. And got home before 1am. I had a handyman coming round at 9:30am on Sunday morning to tell me everything I needed to still buy to get the electrical work done. I'm putting in down-lighters in the lounge and entrance and I need lights put into my Vietnam shades, and a bunch of little other things. Excited to get that done. The geyser blanker & timer switch will be going in too :) And then I'll be able to get the Roof Insulation put in. Checking things off on that house-list!

After that, I headed off to Builders to go and get everything and do my weekly grocery shop. And later in the afternoon, I went to watch Silver Linings Playbook. Movies are an easy way to kill time alone, thankfully. Honestly, I was hoping for more ... it looked a lot funnier from the trailer. It was okay tho.

5 comments:

ExMi said...

glad you're sounding a teeny bit better. and yes, it's totally worthwhile keeping busy all the time. breaking up with someone is like quitting an addiction (does that even make sense?) - you have to distract yourself with other things, to keep from going back/thinking about that original addiction.

phillygirl said...

Yes, that is probably *exactly* what it is like! Not that I have tried to quit any other addiction ... The mental, emotional and physical pull a break-up creates is all encompassing. I think you feel at least some of these things, of missing habits (not necessarily the person), even in a break-up you do want (and wow, it is so much worse when you don't want it !! I'll be the first to admit I've forgotten how much it hurts)

MamaMeeA said...

A break up like this is a big loss and will take time to process. I think it's good that you're allowing yourself the time and space to grieve - loss is HARD.
I also think it's great that you're keeping busy - production raises morale.
You're sounding better with each post and I wish you well as you move through all of the hurt. I'm sure you'll find the happiness you're looking for.

Louisa said...

:-D

We had a great time catching up with you too, Nicola kept chattering about you all the way home in the car too.

And can I just say that even though you might be feeling a bit sad, you are looking great!

You are going to get through this, and I have no doubt that there are still great things in store for you. Hopefully the next one will be "the one" - and if not, then I'm sure that you will have no trouble doing the single mommy thing either.

MidniteGem said...

Just wanted to say that the first thing that popped into my mind re the additional postings to FB may be what i see quite often... people that are bored or not totally into what they are doing seem to then have the time to post stuff.

I even found that personally when I'm having a great time and am totally experiencing the moment I'm not thinking "Oh I have to tag myself in here and all my friends around me" It is more a boredom "oh I may as well take some photos and post them to occupy myself for the next 5 mins"

Just thought it might be case - or at least another way to see it.

May be hide his messages for a little while? That is def what I would do and I tend to torture myself otherwise.

Keep finding the happy :)

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