Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Yip. I hurt. I hurt yesterday morning and I hurt again this morning. Mornings seem the worst for emotional hurt. My mood generally lifts thru the day thanks to distraction. I have this weird inkling that The Trucker has met someone new in spite of him saying he was off girls and relationships after this and going to take this year to sort his life out (although maybe it's all business related and I'm just reading too much into it). I know it shouldn't matter to me because I am trying my damnedest to move on too. But I feel like I should be the one who gets to move on first after being so hurt. Sob. I hate that his own separate life still affects me. I want to stop feeling this and I know I need a distraction that is more important to me. And, it's his mom's birthday today. Which I know doesn't mean anything at all. I know that I don't know the context of any of the things he writes on FB or twitter (which he's suddenly started using after almost a year ... and I am his only follower). I hurt. And I hate it.

The prevailing thought in my head on Monday evening before bed was: "I want to scream from the hilltops: I loved you, you idiot boy!". Sadly it doesn't matter one bit.

I also hurt physically right now, after 2 evenings of Boot Camp. Shew. Haha.

I am tired too. Probably because I've been going to bed late after reading my Kindle. That little percentage in the corner makes it feel like a competition, with myself :P Haha. I'm also tired emotionally. This is exhausting. Being heart-sore. Trying to meet new people. And that in itself is exhausting. Meeting new people, having all those conversations about yourself. Thinking of questions to ask them about themselves. Trying to find that right balance between interested and not too interested.

I am also doing some serious questioning about myself and my process of dating and attraction. I don't know how it works for other people, but I think I'm different. I don't really trust or act on that instant attraction thing. I mean yes, I sometimes become aware of people I have a potential interest in but that doesn't really count for anything for me. I tend to get to the point of forming an emotional attachment to someone who is around and then become interested in them romantically. I mean The Trucker and I were friends for ages & chatting online before I realised I was interested in him. At one point I was very worried he was interested in me because I wasn't interested in him. Not sure if that was just a timing thing on my part or who he was just grew on me to the point that I fell for him. And clearly by that time it was too late. Although I intended to have that Kids/No Kids discussion after dating for 3 months, I couldn't do it because I didn't want to hear the answer. And it was too late. I had fallen for him.

My therapist says I need to get those important questions out of the way upfront. But it's weird to have that conversation with someone you're not really sure you're interested in ... If I look back, @UselessRob and I also took a while to warm from friendship to involvement. Varen and I did too, and probably not simply because I was dating Bean at the time. We started out just being friends. This seems to be some sort of pattern. I don't know exactly when it started. I know with The Lying Pilot I was instantly interested in him and wanted him, but we were still just friends for a while beforehand.

I guess I'm a thinker ... not a gut-reaction sort of dater. This realisation is making my life very complicated ... I really don't know where to from here :(

1 comment:

Anna Banana said...

I feel your pain. Stay distracted and btw, I love my Kindle too :)

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