Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am not in a great place today

I am not in a great place today. I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head and I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm not especially happy with life at the moment. And I know they say only you can be in control of your own happiness. But you know what, when your life is partnered with someone else, their decisions have an impact on your life and happiness too ... no matter what best intentions you have for yourself. Okay, cryptic, I know.

I'm just feeling really alone at the moment. I had a weird dream about it too. I feel like nothing I do will be enough. I have an ideal in my head I can't seem to reach. And being a girl, that ideal has to do with getting married and starting a family. I know where I want to be and honestly, I can't tell if movies have screwed with my expectations. Since we all know they rarely contain actual scenes likely to occur in real life. My real life just seems to mundane, so day-to-day. I know I'm cynical and I don't believe in all that "love at first sight" nonsense. But I want to believe in something. I want to believe there's a happily ever after and that real life doesn't step in and that the little things don't slowly kill that and drown you into settling and acceptance. I want to feel something, and again I find myself numb. Just drudging along day after day in my little routine: get up, go to work, go to gym, go home, love the bunnies, make dinner, watch tv, go to sleep. See. Boring. I do do other stuff, I know I do. Somehow tho that knowledge just doesn't penetrate when I'm in this kind of fog.

Isn't it the weirdest thing to feel alone but still want to isolate yourself? I desperately want to be happy with what I have and who I am and where I am and feel like I've acheived something, however small. I don't. I want to accept my life and be content that it is enough for me. I want my life to accept me.

I've been having all sorts of weird thoughts lately. Varen worked late again last night. I had no idea what time he was coming home (I know it was after 11pm cause I still couldn't sleep then). I lay in bed wondering if I'd know if anything happened, like if he was in an accident. How do they know who to phone? And how would I react? Am I one of those people who goes really calm and just gets things done till there's nothing left that needs doing and then breaks down. Or am I the immediate fly-into-a-panic sort? I don't know.

I'd like someone to be worried about me for a change, about my well-being. I want someone to notice or care about what I'm doing. I guess that's the life-blogger's curse. People think if you have something to say they can just read all about it here.

My brain is fried. I'd like to switch it off now. Can you tell I'm lost and just going thru the motions of life, wondering what the point is?


noodle said...

Wow. Know that you are not alone in your thinking. When I read your post, I immediately went to your profile to check your age. 29 - THE age for nice little wobbly. I totally understand the fog (it really is a FOG) and nothing in your life making sense.
I've blogged about this before, in astrology standards you only become an adult at 29 (Saturn) and if you haven't done enough soul searching during your twenties, this becomes the crunch time.
It's like we have to get a little bit lost before we can find ourselves. This is a time to focus on your personal needs. Take it!

Janine / Being Brazen said...

I can totally relate to how you feeling. I felt like I could have written this.


The Jackson Files said...

awwwwwww...i hope you feel better soon sweetie. i suspect the weather also has something to do with it.

STILL...bloggirls next sat. YAY!!!

Chief Nut Reisie said...

This mirrors some part of my life at the moment. I always tend to drift back to that one line in Bon Jovi's 'Bed of Roses' ... something like: And you won't be alone, but you know that don't mean you're not lonely.

I agree with the JF as well - this weather always tends to make me a bit (too) introspective.

I hope your chance comes soon.

PS. I am about to embark on the whole Canadian visa thing myself. Did you have a good experience with the crowd who did yours?

ria said...

Can I just say that I'm also 29, and I TOTALLY relate to exactly what you're feeling. It's scary how similar I feel. I have no advice for you, I also find myself enveloped by 'the fog' more than often. I'm actually there right now, and although I have so much to be greatful for, it's really hard to see things clearly. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

seems like a lot of us have been through the doldrums this week. hope the fog lifts soon. hugs.

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