Friday, January 08, 2010

Life Carries On

So I have been promising an emotional post for a while now ... but after last night I have a feeling it won't be coming with quite the content I was expecting.

First I was going to write out all the reasons from my side why the break-up happened, explaining for your benefit and my own therapy. I'm not entirely sure of all the reasons on Varen's side, I guess when we realised it was something we'd both pretty much decided needed to happen and the other was completely in-sync with the decision, we didn't question the other person's reasons.

And then I was going to write one about the very emotional time it's been living together (for less than a week!) after getting back from Cape Town, but that all faded into irrelevance last night.

I knew something was up with him, he came home in a foul mood on Monday evening and wouldn't speak to me at all. I was quite upset because Sunday had made it seem like things could be okay and in my mind although we still had chemistry and physical attraction, the mental attraction was gone. And although that's a hard and still very sad situation to be in, I thought it'd be enough to get us thru the month of living together while I found a new home. I naively thought we were in a place where we knew wouldn't get back together but could appreciate some of the good that we'd had during our relationship as sort of a goodbye-mourning period.

Last night there was one of those "I have to take this" calls where he jumped up and locked himself in the spare room to talk. He was soo werid about it, I admit, I went and listened outside the door. Turns out I'm not so irreplaceable as I'd like to think. He's already mentally tied himself up in another messy situation with a girl he works with (again! We were working together when we met).

I was pretty devastated and am thrilled to bits that I'm moving out on Saturday although, terrified that any second thoughts I had late last night (mostly to do with the bunnies new set-up) will need to be ignored or made-to-work, because I can not possible live with him a second longer.

And then after being terribly upset for a while, I forgave him, and told him so. I realised that everyone deals with things in their own way and I knew he was a serial long-term-dater when I met him (the only reason he had such a long gap between me and his previous ex was because I was still with Bean). And for me, I'm moving on and have a fresh start ahead of me. I needed this break-up for my own reasons and although I'd love him to pine and be upset over it, that's not his way and now he's choosing, in some ways, an even more difficult path for himself and taking on more emotionally than I think (which of course no longer really counts for much there) than he should right now ... but he seems unable to stop himself.

Emotionally it hurts like hell, right now it still feels a little too much like The LyingPilot who moved his now-wife-of-4-years into our place a mere 3 weeks (or less?) after I moved out.

So I haven't slept at all, between being unable to switch my head off and the thunder and lightening and the worry that the bunny hutch actually won't fit in it's new home and that it'll get flooded in rain-storms like last night ... I think I might've got about 2 & half 3 hours in there somewhere.

So I'm not looking forward to today, it was hard enough to concentrate on work when I was excited about the prospect of the future, now with no sleep and panic about how to solve all these possible problems (will be going over there with my measuring tape a little later!) I have no idea how I'll get thru today.


Unknown said...

Well i know how that feels! I don't know how some guys just move on so fast, you think geez after everything we had you can just let it go and not take proper time to get over it ending. Assholes :)
Some people are weak like that I think, they can't be alone, they always need someone...

Will he want to see the bunnies from time to time or is he not that attached to them? I'm guessing not coz he was always working from what I could tell from your posts, I always wondered what work he does that he was there so much and late in the day?

Anyways, good luck with the future.

noodle said...

Bugger. Break ups are never fun.

You'll get through this…

Louisa said...

Sheesh! That's wonder you were upset. Best you get out of there and make a clean break as soon as you can.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure everything will work out fine, and like you said, this is only a temporary solution until you find something better.

As for Varen, it seems you're more at peace about the break-up than he is. Not because he wants you back, but because you're more comfortable with your own company. It's something he'll have to deal with eventually and luckily you won't have to deal with the fall-out when he does come to terms with it.

The best thing about all of this is that it's happening at the start of a new year, so you get to have a fresh start with everything :-) Good luck my friend!!

Tamara said...

Hectic, Phil. What a kak day. So glad you're moving out. The broken-up-but-living-together sounds seriously hard for both of you and his way of handling things is obviously making it even worse for you.

As for the bunnies, you are the one who designed their brilliant hutch and the one who's come up with the clever solutions for all their issues (even Rex's foot), so I'm sure that you'll make a plan with the hutch at the new place and that you and the bunnies will enjoy the new garden space.

Zee said...

Oh No. I haven't been to your blog in a while and now this. I'm really sorry that you going through this. I know exactly how you feel - I am in really screwed up space right now with my own relationship so welcome to the club. It's a sucky club but welcome anyway.....


Caz said...

sorry lady :(
Really agree with arkwife though... obviously he is not comfortable with his own company. Surely if you've been so serious with someone for two years you need a period of mulling over, healing, etc before moving on? Else you just compound the baggage! Anyway lady, despite the hurt you seem strong. Good for you for getting your own place and getting on with things!

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