Monday, December 13, 2010

An Anniversary of Sorts

So, today is a Monday. And usually I'd be writing down all of what I got up to on my weekend ... but that'll have to wait. Today is a significant Monday.

Today it is exactly a year since Varen and I broke up. And exactly 4 years since Bean and I broke up. Yep, lucky girl that I am, the 13th December has been break-up day for me, 2 relationships in a row. Just imagine what'll happen when it finally falls on a Friday! In future, I vow to never see or even speak to my boyfriend / husband on this day. It just seems safer all round. (And just think, next year I'll be celebrating on 13-12-11 :P)

So, this probably has a little something to do with my generally not upbeat mood of late. I mean, it's been a whole year and I'm still single. And although I'm okay with that generally (since I haven't met anyone I wish I was dating), it's still tough when you reflect on where all your exes are.

Varen is living in the States with his new girlfriend, who is apparently pregnant (with his kid, for the second time this year). Bean is, last I heard, living happily in a house he bought with his long-time boyfriend in London. And if we look further back in history ... even The Lying Pilot has been married 6 years and has a son now. Actor-Writer-Director is definitely married and has been for quite some time, I dunno if he has any kids yet. The Queen of Melodrama is, as far as I know, in a long-term relationship and High-School Love has been married for many years now and has 2 kiddies.

That's right folks, all my failures have become someone else's success story ... sigh. And that's great for them, I guess. But it really starts to make me wonder about myself. Self doubt, awesome, just what I wanted for Xmas this year :P

And don't get me wrong, it's not like I can think of a single one of them and wish it hadn't ended or that I was still with them. Not. A. Single. One. So, that's a plus, in my book. But after a year of not very many exciting boy-stuffs, it's getting a little tedious and I'm losing faith a little ... I mean, I guess if you get to 30 and you're single, there's probably a reason, right? I know there's a reason I am. And those reason are (frighteningly) becoming more pronounced as I get older and especially as I've spent more time on my own this year. I'm cynical about relationships, I'm cynical about boys ... and yes, I know girls & boys are different and their brains work differently and they don't think about things the same way we do and and and. None of that makes this any easier.

So, actually mostly what I've spent this liberating year of turning thirty and being single doing is adjusting my mindset. I am no longer pinning all my hopes on meeting a Mr Right that I can spend the rest of my life with. Well, that'd be nice and is Plan A but, as realism sets in, I've come up with Plan B and Plan C too.

So, Plan B is far more realistic than Plan A. For Plan B I only need someone who can commit to at least 5 to 10 years (or more) together. Someone to have children with. And no, divorce etc. is not ideal and no, I didn't have to experience it as a child, but see, I want kids, and ideally I'd rather not do it on my own, but I am also realistic about the probability of meeting the person I could spend forever with in my next few child-bearing years.

See, what I realised is, I could meet that Mr Right when I'm 45 or so and still have 30 amazing years with him (which, being 30 myself, I can attest is a fair portion of time and not to be sniffed at). But, I can't wait till I'm 45 to have my children. And I want children. If you don't that's fine and you can continue on your merry way until you meet that man, but I cannot.

And so, although Plan B is not perfect (and, of course, Plan A would be infinitely better), it still provides those children with a father. Plan C would be to do it alone. Far from ideal, but may end up being a necessity. I refuse to let the whims of personality and the people I meet to dictate my life and if I have children or not. And hence I will, given no alternative, do this alone (well, not entirely alone because if that becomes the course of action, I'll definitely be moving home to my family in Cape Town - which, is actually also part the plan regardless of which of these outcomes end up becoming reality).

And so, these are the things spinning in my head lately. Reality and the things that we need to do to achieve the things we want from life. It's no easy thing to adjust the mind of a person who's believed her whole life that you meet someone, you fall in love and live happily ever after. Life, sadly, is just not that easy. Well, perhaps it is for some, it's true I've seen some amazing relationships amongst people I know. But I guess I just have to accept, it's just not that easy for me. And, the thing I'm still struggling with, is that that is okay.

I won't lie, it's hard for me to read or hear that you got engaged or married or are having a baby. And the only way to get thru that and be happy for you is for me to know that I have a plan and am not leaving it up to chance. There are some things I know I can't control, like meeting someone amazing. But I'll stick to having a plan for the things I can control.

And that said, who knows if I can even have kids (another thing left to Life's Wheel of Fortune and chance). I mean we spend our whole lives trying not to and the only way to know for sure if you can is to actually do it. Hardly the kind of litmus test one hopes for in these situations, but such is life.

On the plus side, I'm definitely not rushing into anything with anyone in order to achieve any of this. Having these alternatives prepared in my mind means that I'm open to whichever outcome ends up occurring. So, for now, until I meet someone that really turns my head (or turn 34), I am in no rush.

2 comments:

tanyadeville said...

wow - that's quite a post.
I really admire your plan and your courage to post this.
You're a really strong person and you rock!

Roxanne said...

Great post!

Funny, also been just over a year since my break up with my last BF. And I also haven't really met anyone that goes beyond a bit of fun - at this age (yup, also 30 this year!) it's hard to *not* think about Plan B's and such.

Aside from being bombarded with weddings and babies on all sides, there's also that self-doubt, and that fear that maybe this is as good as it gets.

I never had a proper Plan B other than to try and aim for a different life... rather than the paint by numbers baby and wedding bells one, maybe something where I can live a fabulous life, travel, have unsuitable flings, get rich on my own, and be unconventional and different. But I also want kids, even just one - adoption is something I have sometimes considered, but I just don't know.

A huge part of me still has a tiny bit of hope and positivity left, and I guess all we can do is try to enjoy life just as it is RIGHT NOW. Because we just don't know what's around that corner - could be the happy ending, or an alternative ending that is every bit as awesome.

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