Monday, January 23, 2012

Confusion

So last week was a quiet one on the blog, I know. I just didn't feel up for writing about things when I had no idea what was going on. The Trucker and I didn't speak for 4 days. I think it started out as a little space after annoying each other on Monday evening. Sometimes that's what one needs. But it spiraled out of control and we didn't speak again properly till Friday evening, when we broke up.

Yes, we broke up. I knew from Wednesday that things could go either way. Obviously I was hoping they wouldn't go that way, but I think I had prepared myself for the possibility. I'm sad but calm and matter-of-fact, honestly.

In fact so much has happened since then on Friday I actually no longer have any idea what is going on anymore. We had the most amazing and openly honest conversation I think we've ever had since we started dating ... The one thing I have learnt is that you are a lot more honest with someone when they're your friend than when you're dating them because you can hurt them ... it's a problem, I think.

So, with nothing left to lose, I asked all the questions that had been knawing in my brain and driving me crazy .. like all about the ex-girlf who works across the corridor from him, who lives 4 doors away and who's house keys he has. I got answers that I honestly didn't expect (I thought she was still a part of his life because of that, but she's not and he returned her house keys, which he still had to feed the dogs, months ago). After hours of talking, I actually thought things could've gone either way. But we're still broken up.

He just simply doesn't seem to have the time for a relationship. Well, for the sort I want. He's in a situation in his life where even if he wanted me to be a priority, I can't be ... because he has so many  inescapable obligations and responsibilities (3 companies and supporting his sister & 9yr old niece) that can't be the things to give when they start making demands ... but I can. Because of those things, he has a lot less control over his life and his time than he wants, which often puts him in grumpy and miserable moods ... in fact the days that went well are so few and far between I can barely remember them. Things were quite awesome in November & December when work quietened down. But that is far from the majority of the time.

So that is how we left things on Friday evening. But I saw him for lunch on Saturday (was supposed to be breakfast but he was on the road at 06:30 dealing with Truck issues both weekend mornings ... kinda highlighting the point above). He came over on Sunday evening, bringing me dinner because I had no power and we sat in candle light eating and talking more. Eventually the power came back on and he mounted my elephant coat rack to the wall (which was why he was originally coming over). He left when one of his other obligations (software they've written that went down on Sunday afternoon) needed his attention. We've returned all the stuff we had at each other's houses. And when he left last night he talked about seeing me again this evening ...

It's very weird, I won't lie. It's like it's almost the same, but not. I don't have any idea where to from here. I like him. No, I adore him. I even think after all our honest chatting this weekend that he likes me more than I gave him credit for or could believe before this. We just seem to need different things right now. I am the person with space and time, who can keep myself busy if I need to, but I will shuffle my life around to accommodate my relationship. I suspect he is the sort of busy person who needs someone who is equally busy with their own life where you catch up in the quiet time. Unfortunately he has no quiet time these days ...

I did keep myself busy this weekend tho ... it's hard for me tho, cause obviously if we were still dating I would've wanted to be seeing him. But since we'd broken up, it made it easier for me to have no expectations of that. But I worry that'll mean we end up seeing each other again but on his terms, in a way that suits him but isn't what I want from a relationship. I don't know, it's early days, but that's definitely something I'm acutely aware of. More of a problem seems to be that he doesn't know what he wants. From life or me or an relationship in general or really anything at the moment.

So, the other weekend stuff included a fair amount of retail therapy. I bought that piece of furniture I found online last weekend. And I love it. It's a wine rack from River Woods (I got the wide individual) and it is absolutely perfect for the area it's in (on a diagonal wall, under my newly mounted elephant coat rack). Seriously it is perfect. Then next item on my list was the Scroll Day Bed from Mr Price Home. I've been eyeing it for a while for my spare room - I didn't want a plain old single bed in there because I didn't want it to feel like a guest bedroom, since it'll probably only get used about 6 nights of a year (and that'd be a lot!). So I thought this would be more practical for future potential. I plan to get a high-density foam mattress for it and pile it high with cushions :)

Sheesh, but what a hassle. I had originally seen it at the window at Mr Price Northgate. But they didn't have stock when I asked, but Clearwater did. So on Saturday morning I phoned them, to discover they had no stock. But I could place an order, which should arrive in 2-3weeks. In which case, I figured I'd rather not schlep all the way there but order it straight from Northgate. Who, it turned out, magically actually had stock :)

So, after checking if it would fit in my little c2 (omw it did, sticking out the boot, but still!), I bought it and took it home. I managed to get it out of my car and into my house. I cleared out tall the clutter in the spare room and went about opening the day bed. Only to discover 2 sides were bent. So I tried to get it back into it's packaging, I managed to get it out side again, but I could NOT get it back into my car on my own. Queue total single-girl meltdown including tears. This, this is what I hate about being single. There are simply some things you can't do on your own and you need another person for. Yes, you can ask a friend, but I hate doing that. But I had no choice. The Trucker, who I know would still help if I needed it, was busy off dealing with Trucks and I was determined to do this without him. So I phoned TheBrad, who lives really nearby now, and even tho I woke him, he came over and helped me with it all. We took it back to Northgate and they (again, magically), had another item in stock, so we checked it in store and took it back home again and got it all assembled in my spare room (yes, assembly even required 2 people ... #sigh). Success.

In the evening, I went for sushi with @samanthaperry and on Sunday I headed to the Chinese New Year thing at the Nanhua Buddhist Temple in Bronkhorstspruit with @jarredcinman and some other friends. It was pretty cool, absolute chaos of crowds tho. Some yummy food :) I didn't stay that long, I wasn't really in the right frame of mind for it. Afterwards I popped in at Rosebank to get the name of a guy who can apparently do my photo mountings for my photo wall - I really want that done before Mom & The Peeb come visit in February :)

1 comment:

Zeeny said...

A break-up's always hard especially when there are unresolved or confusing elements. Hang in there and good for you on keeping the communication lines open - its key to sifting through the madness....

Strongs and hope it all works out for you :)

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