Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Barely There

Wow. Today I am not in a good space. Which is a little soul-destroying as I thought I was finally getting into a good space again yesterday evening.

I seriously can't get over how much of a roller-coaster this has been (and continues to be). My emotions are an absolute mess and fluctuate wildly. Thankfully my Mom came up to Joburg for the long weekend. I'm not sure I could've got thru it without her there to distract me and keep me company.

She arrived on Friday evening, and we just headed straight home from Lanseria, had a quick and easy Woolies dinner. On Saturday we hit Cresta to begin the Christmas shopping. Yes, I usually leave my shopping till this long weekend. I'm just not that organised. It's hard to be doing so much shopping with Mom, who has to go slowly now that she has PMR.

Mostly we just bought things for ourselves and no xmas gifts. Haha. Mom only seems to do any clothes shopping when she's with me ... and I even got myself some new things :) Uplifting retail therapy.

We also popped past the Rivonia Oriental City which was a total waste of time, although I keep hearing about it ... not much is open yet. The only bonus was this bunny we bought at one of the robots on our way there :) Heehee

We had a relaxing afternoon at home followed by dinner out at Col'Cacchio. We both tried their new Pizza Foro range. I had the Romagnola Foro which I really liked. Although I think the salad in the middle is a total waste, it was a pile of lettuce on some sliced carrot and radish.

At home we watched Hysteria. It's a nice enough movie ... and Maggie Gyllenhaal is really good in it.

On Sunday I went and did some grocery shopping and then took Mom to Rosebank. Here, at least, we made a little dent in the xmas shopping. We stopped by Sandton very briefly on the way home (trying to find Daddio's gift in the right size). Was a little exhausted by then. We had planned on watching a movie on Sunday, but Life of Pi hasn't opened yet and Mom had already seen Skyfall. We made stirfry for dinner and ate outside. It was nice. I didn't have a very good afternoon emotionally :(

On Monday (yay for public holidays) we got ready and got Mom all packed and headed to Clearwater to finish up the shopping. I only have her still to buy for. We also headed to Lifestyle Garden Centre to get my gift from Mom. Usually if I get money, I don't really spend it on something specific and it's also hard because anything they give me I have to be able to bring back to Joburg. But this time I bought a whole bunch of stuff to get started on the veggie and herb garden I wanted to put outside my kitchen window.

Got it all set up after I dropped her off. Have been browsing living seeds and trying to narrow down a list :) Will plant when I'm back from Cape Town in January.

I was actually having a good emotionally-together Monday afternoon. I signed up on Meet Joburg. It sounds like more fun than speed-dating ... The first event is at the end of January, so that'll probably be ideal. Hopefully I'll be a little more together by then. Then I headed off to the Baron to meet up with @Rubyletters. Was lovely to see her again and catch-up :)

So, the emotional stuffs. Luckily I've been falling asleep quite easily. The real problem has been waking at 5am and my brain switching into over-thinking mode. I was plagued
every morning, all weekend, with a need to contact The Trucker. To email, I even drafted the email. To sms. I don't know why. I think I'm just really struggling with the fact that he just said he doesn't want kids and gave up. He didn't try to compromise or to negotiate. I am confused that he loves me and misses me but not enough to want to try or anything. I wander thru shops constantly watching other people. Other people build these little family units ... everyone does. Except my ex-boyfriend. #sigh. I want to build my own family with someone. Who would've thought that'd be such a hard thing to do once you'd found someone you loved?

So far I've managed to stop myself from contacting him. I want to ask if there's anything we still need to talk about. I still want to talk to him and talk things through. My hopeful side wants to find a way for us to work. Every time I've spoken to him, I know it's probably been a little bit of an ambush for him. But he doesn't seem to need to talk about any of it ... he just accepts that we want different things and that's too bad, but not bad enough to change the outcome, I guess.

I'm sad and scared. I know there are probably loads of amazing single men (I say men now, not boys, because my therapist says not to date younger men anymore, which I think is sound advice) out there. But where? Where do you meet them? Anyway, hopefully I will find hope and believe in the future again soon. Because I think that is what is really killing me ... Damn, but I loved that boy, why didn't he just want the same things I did? *sob*

Oh right, and today. After no trouble falling asleep at all, even thru the emotional upheaval I've been feeling, last night when I was at peace with life I could NOT sleep. Even tho I put down my book and switched off my light earlier than my usual bedtime because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I don't think I even got a whole solid hour of sleep last night. I had those weird wakeful dreams. Where your brain isn't worrying over something specific so it drifts and you have those surreal dreams but you're not really asleep properly either. It was very hot last night and I felt out of sorts (so much so that I want throwing up at 01:40am), I still feel off.

Righto, now to try and get thru this day.

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