Monday, December 10, 2012

Really Real

Shew. What a weekend. It certainly rolled in ups and downs. On Friday afternoon it was our office Year End function. It included a giant water-slide in the parking lot. Which actually turned out to be more fun than I expected. Eventually I went down a few times in my clothes (luckily I had brought spare clothes!)

I left at the totally reasonable hour of around 8pm. Which I am even more glad I did now hearing some of the stories at the office this morning! I went home and watched series till I couldn't keep my eyes open after midnight.

I guess I was a little nervous for Saturday. The Trucker came over and brought my stuff from his house and picked up his stuff from my house before we headed off to Lethabo Estate for DJMike's wedding.

Generally we had a pretty good time. There was a lot more chatter around our decision. I think he's had as hard a week as I have, missing me, not sleeping well and generally being miserable and moping and by the sounds of things keeping himself busy with work. Poor boy :( Poor me because nothing has changed at all tho. Sob.

On an amusing aside, he was really laughing at me because as we were sitting there for the ceremony, I was like, "I'm sure that's my ex-cousin". Yup, turned out the bride's dad is dating my uncle's ex-wife. Haven't seen them in years. He now reckons I can't swing a cat without bumping into some family or another ;)

Yes, he stayed over. It was nice having him there <3 But he left at about 7am for cricket. And I spent Sunday feeling completely heart-broken. He missed me but not enough for anything to change. I adore him and can't make this right :( I escaped into a book and slept some more. Escapism much?

Eventually I went and did grocery shopping for the week. I was crying in the queues. Thank goodness I bumped into @clairam and we went and got a drink at Mugg&Bean and chatted the afternoon away.

I struggled for the rest of the afternoon at home alone. There was a hail storm and I got soaked putting my car into the garage and had a hot bubble bath with candles, reading my book.

It took everything I had not to message him yesterday. As I sat watching TV, my brain was screaming NO! NO! NO! about the whole situation. It was deafening. Oh jees. This has been terrible. I was all ready to mail him this morning with some attempt at reconciliation.

Somehow tho, this morning I've woken up knowing that's not the right thing. I have woken with this weird feeling that even if we'd agreed on not having or having kids, our relationship probably would've floundered in another year or two. Yes, it was pretty damn amazing for the last year. And I love him soso much. But I know that it is easy to love someone in good times. And he was an awesome and attentive boyfriend in those good times. In fact he has many qualities I'd love to find again. But when we got annoyed with one another or were stressed, things weren't good. We didn't handle the bad times very well. And life comes with bad times and you need your partner to stand next to you and manage those bad times and still love you. I don't know if he and I could do that.

I know that with his ex-girlf he went off and traveled the world without her, I want someone who makes plans with me and includes me and if I can't go we postpone till we both can. You know, having a "what's better for both" attitude about life. Someone who thinks whatever they do would be improved by sharing it with me. Yes, I am independent and some things and some trips can be done as an individual ... some opportunities are too good to give up, we all know that. But it shouldn't be the norm. I want to be independent with someone. Independent, not solitary. I don't think he gets that. I want a team, a partnership, a shared life. And I don't know if he could give me that.

So maybe, just maybe, this has stolen a few years of happiness with him to give me a chance to find what I really want with someone else now ... instead of in 2 or 3 years time.

Damn, I miss him tho. I would love to find someone with all his amazing qualities but change or tweak about 5 or 6 things ... chances are to get those 5 or 6 things, I 'll probably have to give up some of the amazing things about him too ... Life is sucky like that :P

1 comment:

Lulu said...

What a bittersweet post. Let me tell you from the married perspective: it's never easy, and you never get ALL good qualities in one person, but there are guys who are willing to have a shared life. Please, if you will, turn that whole "prove you're not a robot" thingy off. Just makes leaving comments harder.

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